Looking to “Find Myself”…

Dear Moon,

Well, I’ve been feeling pretty blue the past several months and just finally figured I should get some of it out, since it usually helps.  I find myself feeling lonely and sad so I start running trough ideas of things that might help and just start “Shoulding on myself”.  (Basically “SHITting on myself” as a nurse told me about once. She talked with me when I was at Harrison back in 2005 and told me about how we all do this sometimes. It’s been pretty helpful to think of what she said when I use the word “SHOULD”.)

I “Should”: 

  • Get a job
  • Get a hobby
  • Go Volunteer
  • Get out of the house
  • Be around people
  • Go to church
  • Get on medication
  • Go to counseling
  • Clean the house
  • Take care of myself better
  • Loose weight
  • Get a life!

I don’t know if any of those will help actually, and especially not until I turn them into “I Want to” vs “I Should”.  I need to just deal with the feelings I’m feeling and move on.  I REALLY hope that my kids aren’t as screwed up about feeling their feelings as I am. Patrick seems pretty “Normal” so I figured they have a chance!

I am still sad about my Dad being gone, maybe not exactly sad but disappointed and regretful that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I KNOW my Dad is in a better place and out of pain, and worrying about him is one less thing on my mind, BUT I am sad that I didn’t get/take the time/opportunity to get to know him better.  I’m angry at myself for not making seeing my parents more of a priority I guess, and figuring out how to put them 1st on the list instead of Patrick and the Kids. One of the last few times I talked with my Mom she had eluded to the fact that I could have “Chosen” to lived closer to my parents if I had put up more of a fight. I don’t recall her words exactly, but I was just sort of floored that she could think that I had a choice of where I would live. There are so many things I wish I could have asked my Dad and talked with him about. I try and think it through and tell myself that it’s OK, that circumstances were what they were and the main thing I suppose I should remind myself is that there is NOTHING I can do about it now!  It’s too late, forgive myself and move on right?

Another thing that is getting me down and has been a big wake up call for me is that Timothy went off to school and I am so happy, proud and excited for him!  He’s gone on to live his life BUT I guess I didn’t do myself any favors by making him and the girls “My Life”. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly thankful that I’ve been able to be home with them. The thing is early on my being home with the kids was by necessity not always choice, but later on it became more of a choice or possibly now in the past several years more of a feeling of not being qualified to do anything else.  When the kids were young and Patrick was active duty we tried having me working and taking care of the kids and him out to Sea, but that  didn’t work especially since we didn’t have any support system.  It’s only been in the last five or six years that I know what a comfort it is to have people to count on. People that I could call and say…”HELP ME” and I know they would come.  I remember after we got settled here I tried doing school and taking care of three kids with Patrick out to Sea and I ended up in the Harrison Hospital mental ward…kids refer to it as my visit to the “Funny Farm”.

So well, now here I am with a full realization that my kids are not going to be looking to be excited to come home or call me and say “Hi Mom, guess what I did today?”. I miss hearing about their days, I am glad though that they feel comfortable enough to come talk with me if they are having an issue or problem with someone or something, but lately it seems like “I” am the problem or issue. I tend to just frustrate and upset them. I suppose it is the way it is meant to be, I have always told them I’m not your friend I’m your Mom.  Seems to be that while telling them that I should have listened to myself because for me they are/were my friends.  Probably partly why I miss Timothy so much is I enjoyed hanging out with him. He was a night owl too! College is going to tame that out of him thankfully. The world doesn’t work real well on Night Owl time. 😀

So basically the last several months I’ve been pretty depressed for the most part. Patrick thankfully puts up with me and tries to help as he can. He is really busy though with work and school and we are trying to figure out our relationship as it is changing too. I think we are looking forward to the possibilities that will be available when our “nest” is empty.  I came into the garage earlier to talk with Patrick and to apologize about being a downer and behind on all my “Homemaker” duties and he looked at me and said very kindly and lovingly. “I understand you are trying to find yourself” and went back to working on his welding hobby/job, I went over and gave him a BIG kiss and thanked him since that was the most loving thing I’d heard in a long time also a big “Light bulb” moment. It’s exactly what I need to do.

Well, I don’t think I’m going to find myself in the middle of the night blogging to the Moon on my computer Eh? I better get some sleep and hopefully something will come to me soon about “Who I am and what I want to be when I grow up!”.

Goodnight Moon and thank you for being such a good listener, *GRIN*

Sharolyn

I miss my Mom

Dear Moon,

Image

This is a picture of my Mom holding Lydia back in 1999 the day Clarissa was born.

I wish she didn’t have cancer and immune issues so she could travel!
I wish we had the money to go and visit her!! And go to Arizona and visit my Dad.  (They are both in their 80’s and not in good health.  Dad goes to Dialisys 3 times a week, and my Mom is getting pretty tired most of the time.)
I wish the economy hadn’t tanked and Patrick hadn’t lost his job!!

I am angry that the choices I’ve made in my life have made it so that I haven’t been able to see my Mom and my kids haven’t been able to be held by her. I say choices because I’m trying to  excert some control and/or responsibility in my life as to why things are the way they are. I am so angry most all the time, but I don’t show it outwardly.  I don’t even think I recognize it most of the time accept like now, it’s quiet and I don’t have any distractions.  I had a good nights sleep (rare) and I’m just being reflective I guess.  I remember that I used to be angry about Patrick being gone all the time and all the Navy life CRAP.  I am thankful that is all over, so I guess I should be getting better now that it’s down to mainly one thing?  haha

Anger turned inward = Depression. I need to learn how to properly feel and release anger. I don’t know why I don’t seem to “get it”.  I am ANGRY!!!  = Disappointed, Frustrated and Sad.  What are “proper” ways of dealing with anger?  I remember parents fighting All The Time… Divorces, Drunk step dad yelling, Freaky step dad yelling, MOM Yelling… Most of the adults in my life growing up were just not happy I don’t think.  My Aunt Elaine was mostly happy I think.  I know my Mom was doing the best she could with 4 kids etc…, but still this is just the way it was and I didn’t learn how to deal with anger properly.  So how do I fix it now??

Anyway, I do feel a little better just actually recognizing it.  I just would REALLY like things to go well for awhile.  I know I’m thankful that my family and I are healthy, the kids are happy, Patrick is working, I’m able to be there for the kids and work in our home.  It’s just that $$$$ has been such a big issue since Patrick retired in 2006.  Patrick has been offered a job at PSNS and he and I are both to wary to be excited about it.  Sucks that “life” has disappointed us over and over again sooo much that neither of us is able to feel “Positive” about anything good that is coming our way.

Well, I usually write at night when the Moon is up. 😀  Oh well, the Moon is up somewhere.

Just read some of my past entries…

Dear Journal,

I know I should be in bed, but was messing around on here and changed the background theme and read through some of my old entries. Now I’m just like UGH!!…

I suspect that if someone were to describe me from my past I would think they would say “Happy, Friendly, Upbeat, Open, Honest etc..”, but if I were to describe myself (Especially after reading the entries here) I would have to use words like “Recluse, hurt, bitter, angry, etc…”. I remember there was a time when I was soooo much like the first list of words. I want to be open, friendly, and TRUSTING again.

Life was so much richer when I could see the goodness in others and didn’t feel like I needed to be always “On my guard” and hold myself back from letting people in. I guess I always assumed that the longer I lived in one place the closer I would become to people, but seems like that’s not the case, and I don’t know if it’s something I did or didn’t do that keeps everyone pretty much at a distance. Sage is such a wonderful friend in every sense of the word. I have always told the kids…”A friend is someone you ARE, not just someone you have.” And Sage is a friend to me, I trust that she would be there if I needed her, and that even though I might get on her nerves at times she cares about me anyway. There is a part of me that is damaged I guess, that doesn’t “trust” in our friendship as deeply as I would have in the past. Having issues with trusting people now has pretty much sucked all the COLOR out of the world.

Life is too short to spend sooo much time “On guard” or Angry…I need to just open up again and “Que Sera Sera” If I get hurt in the process so be it, I suspect I’ll get much more joy out of life than hurt if I stop being so closed off! Now can I get this tattooed on my forehead and as my desktop wallpaper, and on the bathroom mirror, etc… I just need to always remember what was said “I never said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it!”

Ok NOW I’m off to bed. 2am that’s not too bad…

Stressed…

Dear Journal,

I really need to remember to unload here to you rather than keep everything inside until I bust. I get more and more stressed or upset about stuff and I just keep it all in and than I get into one of my “Funks” and am depressed to where I don’t even want to get out of bed. I remember them telling me that once I’d been depressed it’s easy to slip back into the cycle, well HELL!! They weren’t kidding even a little bit. I need to go back to counseling probably so I can learn more techniques on dealing with feelings/emotions in a more “normal” rational way I guess, too bad it costs $25 a visit!! I don’t know where I learned the coping techniques I use, but they suck! Maybe when I was a kid they worked, but now they don’t.

First off I need to learn to forgive and forget!!! Dave is a complete psycho ASS, that uses people to work his agenda and get what he wants. I was stupid and thought we were all friends and learned the hard way with that type of person that you can’t trust ’em. I still am floored to realize how skeezy he is and how Jen, Barb & Michelle warned me about is shitty ways. Why do I give people the benefit of the doubt. I just think of how I trusted Jen and Barb too, thinking they were my friends and realized that Jen is psycho and Barb is nice but clueless when it comes to Jen. To have Dave, Barb & Jen all on the same PTA bored just floors me because I heard them all bitch about each other for literally years! Jen & Barb would tell me what a jerk Dave was, and Dave “explained” how Jen & Barb were worthless. Now to see them all chummy is just mind boggling. I always try and be “real” with people, “what you see is what you get”. I honestly try and treat others with kindness and hope that if I do offend someone they will come to ME and let me know what I did so that I can make it right. I just don’t understand people!!! Ever since convention where Dave showed me his true “Face” I am back into the wanting to just not go outside and be around people anymore.

Second I need to figure out how to not keep blaming myself for stuff… Should’a Would’a Could’as just really don’t help me AT ALL!!

Third I need to figure out how to go see my parents before they pass, it makes me feel so bad to realize that I may never get to hug my Mom or Dad again. My Mom turned 80 today, and Dad will be 83 in Jan. *Boggle* I haven’t seen either of them in 5 years!!! Ever since Patrick retired from the Navy our finances have gotten worse and worse I guess hind sight is 20/20 because I look back now and the economy was taking a dump as our finances were taking a dump. We finally in October started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and now I all I can see is the tunnel caving in around us. I don’t want to loose our house. THIS IS THE LONGEST I HAVE EVER LIVED ANYWHERE IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!! 42 years old and I’ve lived here for SEVEN!!! YEARS!!! I don’t want to loose this house and have to go back to apartments and start all over again…

I KNOW I have tons to be thankful for! I understand that and I am thankful, and I trust that things will happen as they are intended too. If there is a lesson that needs to be learned here, stuff will continue until that lesson is learned. I just wish I could figure it out sooner. haha Ever since the shit started to hit the fan I worry each month, and every month it all works out. I know I should trust that everything will work out, BUT there is a big part of me that is tainted by my religious upbringing that makes me feel like God can’t love me since I’m not doing all those things that a “good religious person should” be doing. Like I can’t be loved or cared about unless I’m doing ______ or ______. It’s crazy! Also the big one since Patrick and I were sealed in the temple that we are basically worse than a serial killer and going to “Hell” because we aren’t doing all that we “Should” be doing. Ugh!!! Most of the time I can think over that “Stuff” and remember that God loves ME! But, when stuff starts hitting the fan it is really hard sometimes, I think what did I do wrong, what am I being punished for and why is it punishing my whole family.

Ok I guess typing all this out does help. I can start to see the irrational areas of my thought processes and now that I see them hopefully I can turn them around or at least make the mountains back into what they are…mole hills. haha Well, I better go fold some clothes and get to bed. It’s “that time of the month” so that tends to make me extra crazy I think, and gives me insomnia which having my sleep screwed up really messes with my mood too.

Good night Journal!

Finally figuring out some stuff…

Dear Journal,

Starting to figure out FINALLY why I stay up so late I think. Sort of hit this AM when I was talking with Patrick. Alot of my “bad habits” are coping techniques for dealing with Patrick out to Sea and gone, and this is one of them, but why do I keep it up now? Well, since Patrick retired we’ve had to figure out how to work together and we don’t really work “Together” either he does stuff or I do stuff. I think it’s my way of keeping that separation, the out to Sea thing going because it was the way we lived for most of 16yrs…The thing is it isn’t healthy. I want Patrick and I to be more of Partners, but I know it’s easier for him to just do stuff on his own. Not have to consider me in majority of his decisions. He works, and goes to school, and the rest of his time is spent however he wants to. We don’t plan anything together, but we never really could before anyway.

It’s been almost 4yrs since he retired and I am STILL angry about him staying int he Navy. haha I think I stuffed it away for awhile, but it’s time to just feel it and let it go. Patrick and I’s 20th wedding anniversary is Wednesday (June 9th) and neither of us have anything planned. Partly because we are broke, but partly I think because we need to figure out how to come together and PLAN stuff.

Patrick says he didn’t have any kind of coping things he did for dealing with the separations from the kids and I. He just was able to say ‘There isn’t anything I can do about it so just deal with it and move on.” … I on the other hand fought it every minute of every day. haha Now it’s done!! It’s OVER!! But I am still stuck in places I actually never wanted to be. I don’t know what can fix this, well I know that only I can fix this. It’s funny how this Mental stuff works. It’s like everyone else can see I’m beating my head against a wall, but to me it looks like I’m trying to fix something or change it. Silly…I know.

Ok well, I need to get ready to go. Heading to a Sounders game with sage in a little while. Patrick’s boss has season tickets and we got a couple for tonight. Weee… Anxiety is kicking in though for leaving the house. Another fun “Bad Habit” I got into when Patrick was out to sea. Agoraphobia? Not sure if that is how it’s spelled. Fear of going outside. Yeah it’s wonderful.

It’s sunny outside and I spent most of today Sleeping… *Bonk*

Pain

Dear Diary,
I’m not sure how to go about writing how I feel. I’m feeling very lonely at
this moment. I don’t know if it would be considered self inflicted, or if
everyone would feel the same way I do now if they were in my shoes. I’m
always feeling like I’m so abnormal. The way I react to things isn’t the
same way everyone else would. I don’t feel like I have ever fit in here.
Sometimes I look back at myself and see that I think I resembled an angel
put here on Earth but her wings were cut and she can’t fly home. I
remember my Grandpa and others used to call me “Sunshine” because I was
always smiling. Maybe it was so shocking to them because they could see all
the JUNK that was going on in my life that I “SHOULD” have been upset about
but wasn’t. I didn’t know any better I guess, I didn’t know to feel sad and
upset, OR I was hiding it. Maybe I felt I caused it and if I just smiled
no one would suspect me. I’ve been told that when I was little I had a
great love for everyone. I would hug and kiss strangers and I know that many
times I put what other people wanted or needed before my own. Many times.
All this time though I look back and can only seem to remember all these bad
things happening. I know that if I compare them to everyone else’s bad things
mine really aren’t that bad, or could have been worse, but still they were
hard to deal with, and heck maybe I’m so sad now because I never dealt with
these things. And now I’m not sure even how.
Memories –
– Sitting on a curb somewhere either I was crying or I could hear someone
crying.
– Laying on the floor of my bedroom staring at the night light during the
night and my ear hurting really bad.
– My Mom has a rifle/shot gun pointed at my Dad while she is standing on the
porch telling him to go away and not come back.
– Missing my Dad.
– My Dad riding me on the bar of his bike and my foot going into the spokes
and him blaming it on my sister and than in turn me feeling like it was my
fault.
– Our cat ate it’s kittens.
– Sitting in the garden hearing santa’s sleigh bells.
– Being in a bunch of Tomatoe plants with these BIG huge worms on the leaves,
being frightened. The plants were as tall as me the worms looked huge.
– A tortise that was a baby sitters pet that we’d feed lettuce to.
– Waking up and finding my Dad with his arm around my Mom’s neck putting her
in a choke hold and her telling me to go back to sleep when she saw me and
told me that it was just a bad dream. I think it made her feel better to
think that I believed her.
– Stealing candy with my brother from the meat market and hiding in the
bedroom closet eating it and getting caught.
– Having to go return the candy and pay for it and appologize to the Meat
market man.
– Stealing a rubix cube key chain from Stater Bros and always feeling guilty
about it.
– My dog roxy.
– The Orange trees at my Dad’s 1st Apartment.
– The Do Run Run” song that Stuart and I played to death while visiting Dad.
– Sitting outside on the steps at school eating a twinkie after getting back
from a dentist appointment before I went back into class.
– My Mom talking about how my Dad always liked my 2nd grade teacher because
she had big boobs.
– Having my lunch stolen by some mean girl.
– Being loanly and afraid at school.
– Having my “turquoise jewlery” stolen from Kindergarten show and tell.
– Scraping my knee really bad on the playground in Kindergarten. I remember
always saying that I scraped it to where the bone was showing, but I think I
was exaggerating or lieing.
– School not being fun.
– Playing Hi Ho Cherrio in the cafateria.
– Teddy and Chritine being killed.
– Being asked by Teddy’s brother if I had seen her while I was at Stater Bros
out walking Roxy.
– The school service planting a tree for each girl in the school yard.
– Over hearing adults talk about their deaths and how “One would have had to
watch the other die or be knocked out.”.
– Hearing that they were cut up and put in a garbage bag behind the Safeway
and being found by a farmer.
– Riding bikes around Calimesa with my brother and some friends.
– Playing barbies
– Being invited to a slumber party where it ends up they just wanted me there
to be the Odd one out. When we played cat and mouse that night I was the cat
and it was that way with all the games. When we had a water baloon fight I
was the target. I left and walked to my Step dad Bill’s Gun Shop where he
drove me back to the party to get my things.
– Being teased by my siblings. “Sharolyn the Watermelon”, Elephant, Pig, Fat
Slob and occasionaly by my Mom, mainly just Fat Slob.
– Being blamed by my Mom for her problems with Bill.
– Bill being drunk and chasing me through the house calling me a Liar for who
knows what reason.
– Sitting on the couch watching TV while Bill lay asleep at the other end and
my Mom coming in with a couple trash bags full of Vodka bottles and dumping
them on the floor of the living room. The clinking of the bottles woke Bill
up and he didn’t say a word. My Mom left the room and bill went over to
start putting the bottles back in the bags and he stopped and opened one
that still had some in it and drank it.
– Thinking that Bill loved his alchol more than my Mom and us kids.
Sam punching Bill in the face after Bill ruined some projects that Sam had
been working on in the garage.
– Going to hotels to use the pool and I assumed to get away from Bill.
– Kmart getting my first bra and wanting to wear it out and how the manager
had to escort my Mom and I to the dang register and being soooo embarassed.
– First time going to girls camp and having such a heavy period that I
pracitcally had to have a seperate suitecase for my pads. I packed too many
I think.
– Never feeling like I fit in ANYWHERE.
– Never being Thin enough, good enough, pretty enough, neat enough….Never
being enough for anyone to like me or love me or stay.
– Church was not a happy place although I tried to see the good in it. People
were mean and heartless about the way they would judge other people.
– Sitting in church on my Dad’s lap looking at his big hands and feeling happy
– Having to sit in a lawyers office and choose who to live with Mom or Dad and
Sam and Susan choosing Mom and knowing I wanted to be with Dad too. I didn’t
want to have to choose.
– Never feeling wanted.
– Sam and Susan never liking me.
– Stuart always picking on me, but we were also there for each other at times
when parents were fighting. I remember us hugging each other crying while we
listend to Mom fight with someone.
– Moving age 4 – 6 … Faith Drive Yucaipa Mom was with Dad
– Moving again… age 7 – 9 … San Pablo Calimesa Mom marries Bill
– Moving again.. age 9 – 12 … 1246 Loan Star Court – Where I think of “Home” Bill taught me to ride a bike. Roxy.
– Moving again age 13 – 14 … Apartment in Redlands – STILL didn’t fit in
anywhere. Mom Divorced Bill
– Moving again age 15 – 17… Cedar Ave Yucaipa Mom Marries Ray
– Moving again …. Kicked out at 17. Part of it was because Ray and I weren’t
getting along. Mom told me that she had to choose Ray’s side because I’d be
gone and out of the house anyway. Than I moved seven more times before I got
Married in 1990.
– Moved 12 more times to now.

I will have to write more later, i’m tired now. Hmm The part before the move listing only goes up to basically the 3rd move so far when I was around 9 – 12 yrs old. Wow… I’m tired now I’ll have to finish this tomorrow.