I am Me

ImageDear Moon,

I just had this “Light Bulb” moment where it just FINALLY sunk in!!! I posted this to my FB page.

“I think I’ve been trying, and failing over and over to “fix” me my whole life. I think it’s time to just realize I’m not broken!!! I have some bad habits that need to be changed, but I’m a good person and not a mistake and I don’t need to be fixed.”

I’m NOT BROKEN!! I was feeling pretty great there for a bit, and now I’m thinking. WHY DID IT TAKE ME SOOOOO LONG!!! 😀 I wasted sooo much time trying to “FIX” me.  OK it wasn’t wasted time!! It was learning time right? I’m a better person and now I FINALLY know. Then there are the thoughts…”but what if I forget?”

Oh this is funny! I had tried printing the statement from my phone to the printer from my bed upstairs and the printer is downstairs. I scared LYDIA! hehe She wasn’t sure what the sound was and she came up and was like all freaked out in a giggly way! haha  So I told her about what I posted and she even said. “Good, now don’t forget!”.

So I’m hoping that I won’t, this feels different somehow. I’ve felt pretty good about myself before when I was believing what someone else was saying that I was ok, but this time…THIS time I KNOW IT! Lately, I’ve been thinking about my Dad a lot since he passed 5/16/2013 and with Grandma Buck passing on 5/17/2014 I’ve thought about how “embarrassing” my life must be to them, and especially Grandma Buck now that she could maybe see it now she’s died.  I’ve just wondered if she’s disappointed in the way I’ve reacted to the hardships in my life. I know I “should” have been stronger and reacted better to many things. She always struck me as a no nonsense, strong, get stuff done type of woman. I just was feeling pretty weak and silly and just stupid the past several days, but since Grandma’s funeral there’s been this perpetual underlying current that’s been there sort of buzzing along side my negative thoughts…”You are you and that’s OK.” And the word OK isn’t exactly the right word, I need a word that would mean: … “No one else is YOU and you are here to be YOU, so don’t change, all those things other people have gotten after you for: your TOO friendly, your TOO nice, your TOO needy, etc… (The obvious one I’d hear was “Too Fat” but I think that it isn’t healthy so I think that one is correct about me that I am too fat, but that isn’t WHO I AM!, that is just a bad habit or lifestyle habit that needs to be changed, but it isn’t something fundamentally WRONG with me!!), I’m TOO open minded, I’m TOO closed minded, I’m TOO OPEN, I’m TOO messy, I leave a trail everywhere I go. It’s just ME and that’s OK!

I FINALLY GOT IT!! I was just about to go to sleep too. Haha Now I’m into one of my bad habits of not taking care of me and getting enough sleep! I’m all amped up and feeling happy! I just wanted to write this all down while it was going through my mind and heart and changing me for the better.

I suspect there might be some emotional push back if I run into someone pointing out one of my “Supposed flaws”, but I’ll deal with that when it happens. I might change some things eventually, but it will be because “I” think it’s important to change it to be “The Woman I want to be”.

That reminded me of a talk I had AT the girls a few weeks back about choosing to cuss or not, or wear certain outfits or not, just choices… “What kind of Woman do you want to be!?” Clarissa put it back at me a few days later when I said or did something, which was great. I knew she was listening. Lol

Anyway, going to go to sleep now! Goodnight Moon!

 

Colorblind

Dear Moon,

sunshine-in-the-rain-derek-kaplanBeing reflective/emotional yet hopeful: ~

Ever since 2005 (Yes it’s been 9 years!!) when I had my “Break Down” and had to spend a weekend in the mental health ward at Harrison Hospital (the “Funny Farm” the kids called it).  I’d never been more alone in my entire life, and I hope I never am again.  Having three kids on my own with no help or anyone to give me a break from time to time and Patrick out to Sea and disappointment after disappointment which is “Military Life” in a nut shell, I had that last straw moment when I made the mistake of planning and looking forward to Patrick being home and then the Navy changing life on us for the 100th time. Not having ANYONE for a support system at the time I called 911, and thankfully a lady from church was able to take my kids and I got some help.

To this day I grieve who I used to be, and I feel guilty most days for not being able to just be the “Sunshine” seeing the bright side of everything, and not being present in my life emotionally like I used to be like 20 years ago. I used to draw, and play piano, & cross stitch and be creative…and be Happy.  I’m here physically, but it’s really hard to feel like trusting anyone, or anything.

Shit happens, I KNOW that my experience wasn’t unique, but I feel guilty that my reaction to my situation seemed very weak and that I still remain “broken”.   It’s been almost TEN YEARS already I know I should be able to just “Snap” out of it and be OK…!!   I heard this song a few weeks ago and it seemed to illustrate a lot of how I feel, and that I need to just “Fake it till I make it” maybe and make a daily effort to see colors again like in this song and just be thankful for everything and realize I’ll NEVER be in that “Military Life” situation again, maybe I had/have PTSD??  If I were to be in that type of situation again, I have a wonderful support group of people I could count on if I needed help, especially my sweet hubby Patrick who isn’t going anywhere, I can even call him at work and chit chat with him daily now, not have to call a command and get permission to talk with if, or wait until he’s in port or whatever.  Ugh… Anyway, LET IT GO>>> Letting it go… It was really crappy, but it’s not the case anymore.  Anyway, I’ve got to get going.

“Colorblind”
When the world is seeing yellow
I only see gray
When everybody sees the rainbow
I’m stuck in the rain
You take a little piece of me
Every time you leave
I don’t think that I’ll ever find that silver lining
Or reason to smile

[Chorus]
You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart
Get so full of the never mind never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind

Ain’t it funny that you managed
To just wash away
Even pictures that you’re not in
Have started to fade
I tried to play my favorite songs
But I can’t sing along
The words don’t feel the same
You’ve taken all the best things from me
And thrown them away

[Bridge]
I’ll wait
For roses to be red again
And I hate
That you took my blue from the ocean
Give me back green greens and goldens
My purples my blues you sold them
How long will I be broken

[Chorus]
You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart get so full of the never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind

Becoming the Early Bird

The Early BirdDear Moon,

Well, lately I have been seeing much less of you and it’s not only because of the clouds.  As you know for the past several years, about ten at least, I would stay awake all night most nights “drunk” on TV shows, computer games, books, etc… Anything that would numb me to feeling feelings I didn’t know how to deal with like loneliness, anger, disappointment, sadness, regret, abandonment, helplessness and many others I hadn’t learned to deal with in a healthy way until just the past year or so.  A side “benefit” I think was that if I seemed “out of it” during the day I could always blame my lack of sleep from being up all night.  My days would consist of staying up until approximately 7am take the kids to school come home and sleep until 2pm when it was time to go pick up the kids from school.  That’s pretty much how it had been going off and on for many years!

I’ve come to the conclusion that Depression is an “illness” that is somewhat like being an alcoholic is an “illness”, once you have been depressed you can more easily slip back into it, you are ALWAYS depressed. The doctors think they can “Fix” it with drugs and counseling, but I think for the majority of people it’s a day to day “battle”.  Tools that help are having people to love and be loved by, finding healthy ways to get out of your own head, consciously being thankful for all that you have, and  Faith can be a great tool that brings the “light into dark places”, a belief in God and his blessings. Some very practical tools like getting enough sleep, keeping blood sugar at an even level, and exercise min of 10 min a day can help too.

So, after these past Holidays when I stayed up ALL night and slept most of the days away.  The guilt of feeling so out of it and then with the feelings of regret, stupidity, and defeat, I made the resolution that I would “Become the Early Bird” and I am going to break out of this prison of my own making. This past week I have FINALLY realized that I had better start owning that I have a problem, just like an alcoholic must and I decided that sleeping during the day is off limits for me for now, not even a nap! Like that sip of alcohol for an alcoholic! So I have been doing this one day at a time! I go to bed around 8:30 – 9pm and I get up around 5:30am.  Last night was the first night I actually slept all the way through. It’s strange to feel the “haze” starting to slip away, the fear and anxiety I had about “facing the day” is ebbing away and I’m starting to realize being awake isn’t so bad after all.

I have been confronted by feelings from time to time this past week and I turn to my old habits and I watch TV, read books, and play video games, but I’m not sleeping during the day. This past week I conquered the night, this week I’m going to start choosing to “live” the day to day.  I need to realize what I WANT to do each day, not just wait around until someone needs me to pick them up or wash their dishes, wash their clothes or cook them a meal. I am going to WANT to do those things not “should on myself” that I “Should” do them. I’ve talked about that in previous posts before, the power of using the word Want over Should.  I’m going to work on breaking my old habits and choosing new ones that are beneficial.

Anyway, I know I’ve attempted this before! This time feels different though.  Previously I always came into it with a fear of failure and that I wouldn’t be able to do it. This time I came in already defeated!!! I know I have a problem. This time I’m taking this on One Day At a Time! “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

I checked online to see “how long does it take to switch from Night shift to day shift?” and people said between five weeks and three months.  I am hoping for the five weeks! It’s 6pm and it feels like it is close to 9pm. Lol My internal clock is REALLY out of whack, but I’m doing this for me! I want to feel well. I would say “I want to feel well AGAIN”, but honestly I don’t remember ever feeling well. I have memories of happy times and having such a wonderful positive outlook on life that I was nicknamed Sunshine, but I honestly do not remember how that feels.

I am accepting the things I can not change and taking the courage to change what I can TODAY.  I will deal with tomorrow then and yesterday honestly doesn’t matter anymore.

Until next time Moon

Dear Moon,

I found this while looking through files on my computer. It is a copy of a letter I found on my computer that I wrote to my Dad back in 2000. I don’t know if I ever sent it actually. That was a really crazy time for me. Literally actually! I was on depression medication and things were just really difficult.  I really hope my Dad knew I loved him and thought of him. I guess if he didn’t know then he knows now. I love how this gives me info about the kids and what was going on at the time and it seems pretty “Happy” which was rare for that time.

September 10, 2000

Dear Dad,

I just wanted to write to you and let you know I was thinking about you.  I haven’t written before I don’t think, and I figured it was about time I did.  Also, I wanted to send you some current pictures of the kids.  I haven’t sent any of those in a while either.

We are all doing fine here.  Timothy just started 1st grade and really likes his teacher Mrs. McDonald.  He is really pretty smart and he seems to enjoy school.  He will be 7 on March 1st.  Over the Summer we were able to take the training wheels off his bike and he just buzzes around now.

Lydia is getting to be so grown up looking.  She has lost all the baby-ness in her face and she is starting to enjoy me putting “pretties” in her hair.  She never would let me put any ponytails or clips in her hair unless I bribed her.  We have been debating about putting her into pre-school, but I figure she is still a little to young for that.  She will be 4 on January 26th.

Clarissa is changing so quickly.  She does her best at running, which actually isn’t too good, but she looks really cute trying to run really fast, especially when I am chasing her. She still has the baby face look with the chubby cheeks and tubby tummy and legs.  I suspect in the next few months here she will be loosing a lot of her baby attributes.  She is in the stage where she is getting into EVERYTHING she can.  She usually starts her day in going into my bathroom and pulling what ever she can find off of the counter, than she heads for the pantry and starts to pull all the cans off the shelves, than she heads into the kitchen and starts pulling things out of the junk drawer (which is actually really dangerous), and  than she usually ends up pulling anything she can reach off the kitchen counter which is usually cereal bowls that are quarter of the way full of milk that Timothy & Lydia didn’t finish off their cereal, and she does all that in about 15min.  Ha ha ha

I am not sure what pictures I am going to enclose in this letter, but I will try and find fairly recent ones and I will write what information I can remember about the photo on the back of each one.

Patrick is up for orders next year and we are getting pretty excited.  We are hoping that he will be able to get Washington State again.  We really liked it up there and hope to settle there someday.  He made the Chief’s selection board again this time, but didn’t get picked.  Maybe next year it will be his turn.  He has just over 14 years in the Navy now.  WOW…I can’t believe it has been 14 years.  We have been married for 10 of it, which is such a shocker.

I have been doing odd jobs setting up computers and doing some computer training on the side to help ends meet.  I just started baby-sitting a 3mos old baby girl named Natalie she is REALLY cute.  She looks like she could be my baby more than my own babies do.  She has dark hair like me, where all of mine have blonde.  I baby-sit her on Mon, Tues, Thurs, Fri, and get $40 a day.  It should help tremendously with the bills and things.  Her Mother, Laura, is a second grade teacher at Timothy’s school, so I will have the same breaks as Timothy does, which is really nice.

How have you been?  How is little Alex your doggy?  Are you still able to keep in contact with Elsie?  Tell her Hi from me if you do see her.  I really think she was really wonderful to us kids.  Have you heard from Sam, Susan or Stuart lately?  I haven’t talked with anyone for about a month now.  Kristine’s birthday is on the 17th so I should try and remember to get something in the mail to her.  Have you struck gold yet?  Last time we talked you sounded like you were really close.  I have been talking with Patrick about trying to set up some weekend that we could come out and stay with you.  I think the last time you were able to see Timothy he was 2 or 3 years old, and I don’t believe you have ever met Lydia or Clarissa, which is really sad.  You are there Grandpa and I want to make every effort for the kids to meet you and get to know you.  Now that I have this babysitting money coming in it should be possible for us to maybe afford coming out there.  Money has been really tight.  We are currently using the Bishop Store House for most all of our groceries.   I know it is hard for you to get around these days so we have been trying to figure out how to get out there to see you.  Hopefully we can do it soon.  I will have to let you know how things go.

Well, I better wrap this up.  This letter is about 4 pages long now and probably won’t fit in the envelope.  Ha ha ha.  I just mainly wanted to let you know I love you and you are on my mind often.  I hope that you are doing well.

Love always,

I guess I better get back to finding the “Printable” Christmas labels I was originally looking for. hehe

Merry Christmas EVE!

Looking to “Find Myself”…

Dear Moon,

Well, I’ve been feeling pretty blue the past several months and just finally figured I should get some of it out, since it usually helps.  I find myself feeling lonely and sad so I start running trough ideas of things that might help and just start “Shoulding on myself”.  (Basically “SHITting on myself” as a nurse told me about once. She talked with me when I was at Harrison back in 2005 and told me about how we all do this sometimes. It’s been pretty helpful to think of what she said when I use the word “SHOULD”.)

I “Should”: 

  • Get a job
  • Get a hobby
  • Go Volunteer
  • Get out of the house
  • Be around people
  • Go to church
  • Get on medication
  • Go to counseling
  • Clean the house
  • Take care of myself better
  • Loose weight
  • Get a life!

I don’t know if any of those will help actually, and especially not until I turn them into “I Want to” vs “I Should”.  I need to just deal with the feelings I’m feeling and move on.  I REALLY hope that my kids aren’t as screwed up about feeling their feelings as I am. Patrick seems pretty “Normal” so I figured they have a chance!

I am still sad about my Dad being gone, maybe not exactly sad but disappointed and regretful that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I KNOW my Dad is in a better place and out of pain, and worrying about him is one less thing on my mind, BUT I am sad that I didn’t get/take the time/opportunity to get to know him better.  I’m angry at myself for not making seeing my parents more of a priority I guess, and figuring out how to put them 1st on the list instead of Patrick and the Kids. One of the last few times I talked with my Mom she had eluded to the fact that I could have “Chosen” to lived closer to my parents if I had put up more of a fight. I don’t recall her words exactly, but I was just sort of floored that she could think that I had a choice of where I would live. There are so many things I wish I could have asked my Dad and talked with him about. I try and think it through and tell myself that it’s OK, that circumstances were what they were and the main thing I suppose I should remind myself is that there is NOTHING I can do about it now!  It’s too late, forgive myself and move on right?

Another thing that is getting me down and has been a big wake up call for me is that Timothy went off to school and I am so happy, proud and excited for him!  He’s gone on to live his life BUT I guess I didn’t do myself any favors by making him and the girls “My Life”. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly thankful that I’ve been able to be home with them. The thing is early on my being home with the kids was by necessity not always choice, but later on it became more of a choice or possibly now in the past several years more of a feeling of not being qualified to do anything else.  When the kids were young and Patrick was active duty we tried having me working and taking care of the kids and him out to Sea, but that  didn’t work especially since we didn’t have any support system.  It’s only been in the last five or six years that I know what a comfort it is to have people to count on. People that I could call and say…”HELP ME” and I know they would come.  I remember after we got settled here I tried doing school and taking care of three kids with Patrick out to Sea and I ended up in the Harrison Hospital mental ward…kids refer to it as my visit to the “Funny Farm”.

So well, now here I am with a full realization that my kids are not going to be looking to be excited to come home or call me and say “Hi Mom, guess what I did today?”. I miss hearing about their days, I am glad though that they feel comfortable enough to come talk with me if they are having an issue or problem with someone or something, but lately it seems like “I” am the problem or issue. I tend to just frustrate and upset them. I suppose it is the way it is meant to be, I have always told them I’m not your friend I’m your Mom.  Seems to be that while telling them that I should have listened to myself because for me they are/were my friends.  Probably partly why I miss Timothy so much is I enjoyed hanging out with him. He was a night owl too! College is going to tame that out of him thankfully. The world doesn’t work real well on Night Owl time. 😀

So basically the last several months I’ve been pretty depressed for the most part. Patrick thankfully puts up with me and tries to help as he can. He is really busy though with work and school and we are trying to figure out our relationship as it is changing too. I think we are looking forward to the possibilities that will be available when our “nest” is empty.  I came into the garage earlier to talk with Patrick and to apologize about being a downer and behind on all my “Homemaker” duties and he looked at me and said very kindly and lovingly. “I understand you are trying to find yourself” and went back to working on his welding hobby/job, I went over and gave him a BIG kiss and thanked him since that was the most loving thing I’d heard in a long time also a big “Light bulb” moment. It’s exactly what I need to do.

Well, I don’t think I’m going to find myself in the middle of the night blogging to the Moon on my computer Eh? I better get some sleep and hopefully something will come to me soon about “Who I am and what I want to be when I grow up!”.

Goodnight Moon and thank you for being such a good listener, *GRIN*

Sharolyn

Goodbye Daddy

Dear Moon,

Well, now I think I’ll be talking with my Dad now too Moon so don’t be jealous.  My Daddy passed away on May 16th, 2013 at the age of 84.  I kept hoping that I’d be able to see him one last time before he passed, but I didn’t. Just seemed to be one thing after the other so now I’m left with guilt and regret and it’s a hard pill to swallow.

I miss my Dad already! When I would feel blue I’d use this journal and if it was during the day I’d call my DAD! He was a unique personality, and he did seem to be able to turn me around to the bright side if I was feeling down or complaining about something. On the flip side, I am grateful that he has passed in a way. He had renal failure and was going in for dialysis 3 times a week.

I already miss hearing his voice!  I wish I had saved a message that he left so I could just replay it from time to time. “Hi Sharolyn, this is your Dad”.  I just really can’t get my head around the fact that he’s gone.  I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and this will all have been a serious “wake up” call that I have to get down and see Dad now, no matter what.

I’d had this ideal adventure of FINALLY getting the money together and going down with the family on vacation and seeing Mom and Dad. Now here it is almost a week now since I got to see Mom and said goodbye to Dad and I just feel down. I did get to see my siblings which was a ton of fun and I got to spend time with Patrick just he and I. First time in like 19 years I think that we’ve spent any time away from the kids.

So, now I’m not sure what to look forward to. I just really hope I’m not heading into the stupid pit of depression. It’s an annoying place since you don’t really know when you’ve arrived, just when you realize that your days have begun to ALL look the same for WAY too long and that’s when I know it’s time to start digging my way back out. I am pretty sure Lesa, Patrick and the kids are on the “look out” for me taking a detour there which is comforting.

912562_533869940010953_2032229061_nI just looked over to see “Elmer Fudd” hanging on the wall  and thought my Dad will still be able to make me smile I just have to look at this funny guy. Dad broke his finger probably 25+yrs ago and he had to go through rehab to get it working properly again and this is what he made. He was really proud of it and it always makes me smile!  I need to take a better photo of it, but you get the gist of it.

Well, I cried some more and feel a little better. I guess it’s important for me to realize that grieving isn’t “depression” and to stop worrying that that is where I’m heading. I know what I need to be doing to not end up in that place so I’ll just work at it.

Also, I got some kind of bug while we were traveling last week which could be contributing to the run down icky feeling. I got a sore throat and I’m really tired. Anyway, I better get some sleep.

 

Goodnight Moon,

I love you Daddy…

Me

It’s been awhile…

Dear Moon,

Well, I was just realizing that it has been awhile since I posted anything here. That is possibly a good thing I guess since much of what I’ve written you before has been kind of a downer. Although the last thing I wrote about the Drama Mama, has all blown over. I even made up with my brother!

The past several months have gone pretty ok. Still struggling to get out of the big black whole of unemployment, debt, and there just never being enough money to actual doing anything other than just the bare minimum. For Christmas it was awesome that Patrick had two weeks off from work and we were all home together as a family, but it really sort of sucked that we didn’t have any money to actually go do anything. Hehe We did get some AMC cards as gifts and were able to go to the movies, and my Mom had sent us a check that paid for us to see the Hobbit! So we did get to go see some movies we wouldn’t have been able to see any other way.

I guess it comes down to what Patrick says. “I work too hard to be THIS poor!” I know we have a lot, but we also have A LOT of bills for what we got. I am so thankful for all that we have, and I know we aren’t the only ones struggling. If I could just get a job it would help I think, but the peace of mind of being available for the kids is priceless to Patrick and I. I’m not sure about the kids, but I think there is a point of security that comes with knowing someone is available if they need it. Maybe it’s so important to us since the kids grew up with so much uncertinty, which I guess comes with the territory of being a Military child. I don’t know.

I would like to get a job so I could get out of this house and the loanliness that comes with being alone much of the day. I just don’t have any references to anything that I had worked at before, I do not have any schooling really, and I don’t want to work fast food. Hehe Seems to be that most all companies want you to at least have an associates degree, but I don’t have that. Maybe I could try doing school again. Still, I’m not sure what I would take and what degree I would get. Probably something in computers, or maybe child care. Until then, I still would like to get a routine down, get organized, and just be happy with being an awesome homemaker, but seems to be that I’m just not quite there YET! 😀 I’ll keep working on it though.

Sharolyn