Still trying to work STUFF out.

its-time-for-your-to-live-your-own-life-without-worrying-about-the-expectations-of-othersDear Moon,

I opened WordPress up to write to you and found a couple drafts that I wrote about four years ago. I realized I published one of them already that was titled Procrastination. I am not sure why I kept it as a draft, but I read it and I remember how painful at the time it was. I was pretty pissed and raw. Sort of funny to realize that I don’t feel that way anymore. Progress.

Well, it’s actually 9:30 in the morning so not sure exactly where you are in your orbit, but I guess I’m where I’m “Supposed” to be. Awake. Although I’m tired. I STILL haven’t figured out why I don’t make the healthy choice to just go to bed when I’m tired at night. I have some guesses.  Seems to be I have an issue with silence, just being. When I’m left with my own thoughts not distracted by TV, internet, a book, Netflix, etc.. My WHOLE life seems to have been about “What’s so and so going to think?”, “What’s so and so NEED?”, “What can I do to help?”, “How can I be a better friend?”, “Am I parenting correctly?”, “What do I need to do or be for him/her to like me?”, “What am I doing so wrong (Judgement from an outside perspective)?” etc.. Everything is pointed out towards everyone else, and not toward me.

“Know Thyself” ~ Seems to mean different things through out time, but for me at this moment it means I haven’t taken the time to actually figure out and know who I am, what I want, or as a previous therapist would ask… “Who’s driving your bus?” haha Now sounds like the perfect time to give it a try though.

I’ve learned that writing helps me. I have realized that some things about myself just ARE. They aren’t good or bad, they just are ME. Like the way I learn and/or remember things. I have to see them. The concept, name, etc… has to be in some kind of a visual format for me to remember it. Someone can say something to me to remind me about something I learned, but until it clicks in my mind and I can “picture it” I won’t really remember. I’ll have to continue to test this theory, but it’s fun to think and feel that it is Me and that is “ok”.

Most “stuff” is all about my Self Esteem or lack there of, seems to be my biggest issue. Currently I’m working on the whole being more “self” focused. Honestly it’s probably just being “normal”, but to me it seems selfish of me, but is “Ok” for everyone else. I feel like my self worth is fully dependent on everyone else. I am ok ~ because my kids are great, I have a great hubby, because I was a navy wife, etc… Not about me as a person.

Ok, for example, I’ll text someone, or write an email and during the time that they take to read and write back my “Self talk” would have already ripped me up and told me how terrible of a person I am and why that person won’t write me back. It isn’t as traumatic if I’ve written someone I have some trust in to “tolerate me”. My self talk tells me I am annoying, thoughtless, embarrassing, ridiculous, rude, stupid (missed spelled words, grammar), etc… Just seems pretty crazy to me to be that way. I need to just not care so much, as my Father In Law would say. “Fuck ’em” Lol The person I emailed/txtd has probably just forgotten, busy, never got the email etc…

I need to figure out a way to believe the little image I had hanging on my wall as a kid trying to make me feel “Ok” with myself even though I couldn’t ever be good enough for my Mom, my Siblings, my Teachers, my Dad/Step Dads (to stay), my Church (I wasn’t worthy), my God (I wasn’t worthy) etc…  “I know I’m somebody, ’cause God don’t make no junk.” … He made an exception with me (I’m junk). <—– That is just what popped into my head.

Here are the truths that I must some how figure out how to believe over the inner self talk and core “worth”. I am kind, I am thoughtful, I am brave, I am beautiful, and I am worth being loved.

Almost a year ago, I was pretty much in a frame of mind of “I am WAITING TO DIE”… Today I am in a frame of mind “I am WAITING TO LIVE”… It’s time to LIVE!

Thank you Moon for always being there, for always listening with out judgement and being my sounding board. I’ve never really trusted anyone else to be that for me except Patrick I suppose. Makes sense that you came into being when I couldn’t talk with Patrick all those years ago because he was out to Sea. God brings people in and out of our lives as we need them. Even those that we makeup ourselves.

 

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