I’ll sleep when I’m dead…

Dear Moon, 

CaptureI guess I’ll sleep when I’m dead which will probably be sooner then later?  I know I don’t always eat well, and I need to have more activity, but THIS! This is my biggest issue with my weight I think. It causes my stress level to increase and cortisol which adds to belly fat from what I’ve read. Basically it’s not healthy to not get enough sleep, also I think it contributes to my mood being down and my energy level to want to be active. 

Somewhere over the years I acquired this “ANXIETY” about going to bed, I have to be literally exhausted to get myself to get in bed and sleep. Just thinking about going to bed at 9:30pm makes me feel uneasy and I don’t understand why. None of the reasons I used to stay awake at night apply anymore.  The kids aren’t little and waking me up in the middle night (Clarissa was doing this until about 10yrs), Patrick is no longer going out to Sea, and there are no longer drug deals going on in the ally out in front of my home and creepy people living down the street. We have a fence and security system. We moved our bedroom from downstairs to upstairs and I thought that would help since it seemed like the room wouldn’t have the negative memories attached to it, but it hasn’t.

I can remember when I LOVED sleep, I would go get in bed because it was so comfortable and I could sleep for like 12hrs if I wanted to, but that was before kids. Also, when Patrick was out to Sea I’d go to bed and miss him and cry and be ANGRY for him being gone so much. He’d come home and I’d be sick with a cold or something and sleep but it was more like my body  had permission to sleep because he was home. I don’t know. There isn’t any problem like that anymore.

There is absolutely no reason I couldn’t go to bed at 9:30pm every night!!!  I just feel like I’d be missing something I guess, or that we aren’t safe and I need to be “On Guard”, I don’t know!!   It’s habit partially I guess. I’m glad I’ve been remembering to keep track of it thanks to the FitBit. I’ve tried fixing my sleep before, but something always happens to drag it back out again. 2am – 4am seems to be my bedtime and it’s just not healthy especially if I have to be up early for some reason.

Anyway, i’m going to work on moving my bedtime closer to the 9:30pm mark. Midnight will be my first goal. 😛

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