Colorblind

Dear Moon,

sunshine-in-the-rain-derek-kaplanBeing reflective/emotional yet hopeful: ~

Ever since 2005 (Yes it’s been 9 years!!) when I had my “Break Down” and had to spend a weekend in the mental health ward at Harrison Hospital (the “Funny Farm” the kids called it).  I’d never been more alone in my entire life, and I hope I never am again.  Having three kids on my own with no help or anyone to give me a break from time to time and Patrick out to Sea and disappointment after disappointment which is “Military Life” in a nut shell, I had that last straw moment when I made the mistake of planning and looking forward to Patrick being home and then the Navy changing life on us for the 100th time. Not having ANYONE for a support system at the time I called 911, and thankfully a lady from church was able to take my kids and I got some help.

To this day I grieve who I used to be, and I feel guilty most days for not being able to just be the “Sunshine” seeing the bright side of everything, and not being present in my life emotionally like I used to be like 20 years ago. I used to draw, and play piano, & cross stitch and be creative…and be Happy.  I’m here physically, but it’s really hard to feel like trusting anyone, or anything.

Shit happens, I KNOW that my experience wasn’t unique, but I feel guilty that my reaction to my situation seemed very weak and that I still remain “broken”.   It’s been almost TEN YEARS already I know I should be able to just “Snap” out of it and be OK…!!   I heard this song a few weeks ago and it seemed to illustrate a lot of how I feel, and that I need to just “Fake it till I make it” maybe and make a daily effort to see colors again like in this song and just be thankful for everything and realize I’ll NEVER be in that “Military Life” situation again, maybe I had/have PTSD??  If I were to be in that type of situation again, I have a wonderful support group of people I could count on if I needed help, especially my sweet hubby Patrick who isn’t going anywhere, I can even call him at work and chit chat with him daily now, not have to call a command and get permission to talk with if, or wait until he’s in port or whatever.  Ugh… Anyway, LET IT GO>>> Letting it go… It was really crappy, but it’s not the case anymore.  Anyway, I’ve got to get going.

“Colorblind”
When the world is seeing yellow
I only see gray
When everybody sees the rainbow
I’m stuck in the rain
You take a little piece of me
Every time you leave
I don’t think that I’ll ever find that silver lining
Or reason to smile

[Chorus]
You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart
Get so full of the never mind never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind

Ain’t it funny that you managed
To just wash away
Even pictures that you’re not in
Have started to fade
I tried to play my favorite songs
But I can’t sing along
The words don’t feel the same
You’ve taken all the best things from me
And thrown them away

[Bridge]
I’ll wait
For roses to be red again
And I hate
That you took my blue from the ocean
Give me back green greens and goldens
My purples my blues you sold them
How long will I be broken

[Chorus]
You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart get so full of the never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s