I miss my Mom

Dear Moon,

Image

This is a picture of my Mom holding Lydia back in 1999 the day Clarissa was born.

I wish she didn’t have cancer and immune issues so she could travel!
I wish we had the money to go and visit her!! And go to Arizona and visit my Dad.  (They are both in their 80’s and not in good health.  Dad goes to Dialisys 3 times a week, and my Mom is getting pretty tired most of the time.)
I wish the economy hadn’t tanked and Patrick hadn’t lost his job!!

I am angry that the choices I’ve made in my life have made it so that I haven’t been able to see my Mom and my kids haven’t been able to be held by her. I say choices because I’m trying to  excert some control and/or responsibility in my life as to why things are the way they are. I am so angry most all the time, but I don’t show it outwardly.  I don’t even think I recognize it most of the time accept like now, it’s quiet and I don’t have any distractions.  I had a good nights sleep (rare) and I’m just being reflective I guess.  I remember that I used to be angry about Patrick being gone all the time and all the Navy life CRAP.  I am thankful that is all over, so I guess I should be getting better now that it’s down to mainly one thing?  haha

Anger turned inward = Depression. I need to learn how to properly feel and release anger. I don’t know why I don’t seem to “get it”.  I am ANGRY!!!  = Disappointed, Frustrated and Sad.  What are “proper” ways of dealing with anger?  I remember parents fighting All The Time… Divorces, Drunk step dad yelling, Freaky step dad yelling, MOM Yelling… Most of the adults in my life growing up were just not happy I don’t think.  My Aunt Elaine was mostly happy I think.  I know my Mom was doing the best she could with 4 kids etc…, but still this is just the way it was and I didn’t learn how to deal with anger properly.  So how do I fix it now??

Anyway, I do feel a little better just actually recognizing it.  I just would REALLY like things to go well for awhile.  I know I’m thankful that my family and I are healthy, the kids are happy, Patrick is working, I’m able to be there for the kids and work in our home.  It’s just that $$$$ has been such a big issue since Patrick retired in 2006.  Patrick has been offered a job at PSNS and he and I are both to wary to be excited about it.  Sucks that “life” has disappointed us over and over again sooo much that neither of us is able to feel “Positive” about anything good that is coming our way.

Well, I usually write at night when the Moon is up. 😀  Oh well, the Moon is up somewhere.

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