I just feel lost these days. The girls and I went to WinCo the other night and Lydia looks at me out of the blue and ask me, why are you sad? I told her I didn’t even realize I was, and I didn’t really know why. Stress mostly I guess about Money and lack there of, and loneliness. I am sad so often now I guess I don’t even notice it anymore it’s just the way I am now? I guess it’s just summed up with Depression, but it’s just so dang frustrating because I WANT to be happy, but I guess I’ve forgotten how to REALLY be happy. Also, I think it has to do with spirituality too. A large part I’m sure since we do not go to church anymore, we don’t have any kind of spiritual family time either. Ughh…I don’t even know why I’m writing to you tonight. I don’t feel like this is going to help this time. Usually I start feeling better right away. I just feel LOST! I am lonely and insecure mainly. I miss having the comfort and security of a friend I could depend on through rain or shine. I have that with Patrick, but still it would be nice to have a girl friend too. Most all my “friends” have moved away. I have people I’m acquainted with here, but no one that I could just call and say “I REALLY need to talk, I’m just feeling so crappy.” I miss being there to help out a friend too, to listen to their stuff and help them realize they aren’t alone in the world. I actually prefer that role I think, to BE the friend rather than depend on a friend. I just haven’t had many people I could depend on in my life so it takes some serious trust to put myself out there and depend on a person. Actually it isn’t so much about trust I guess, but I just figure I’ll bother someone else. I just can’t see how what I think and feel would be important to someone else, well other than my kids and Patrick. I wish someone would just call me and say “Hey Sharolyn, you want to hang out?” but I know everyone is busy with their friends and family, and who the heck would want to hang out with someone that is a big “Eeyore” these days.
“Oh Bother…” Maybe this feeling is part of the “Change” hormonal stuff? I figured I’d have a few more years before that kicked in though. Maybe if I list some of the stuff that’s on my mind it will just help me to let things go?
- I haven’t been able to see my Mom or Dad since 2005
- Elsie’s suicide and not ever being able to say Goodbye and that she was such a good women and I admired her so much for loving us Kids even though we weren’t her own.
- Knowing that my Mom having cancer and her health issues, and my Dad with his renal failure and dialysis means that I might run out of time being able to save up to go see them.
- My Dog Shadow who’s been my companion through it all for 12yrs+ has tumors back again and is really getting uncomfortable and I’ll have to say goodbye soon.
- I’m stressed about Money issues and possible job loss for Patrick again, and my having to decide about being torn between getting a job and not being able to be there for my kids as often.
- Still feeling like a screw up because I haven’t gotten a routine down even though Patrick’s been retired from the “Navy Life” for over FIVE YEARS and isn’t going anywhere.
- The usual crap that goes on in my head about how worthless I am which I wish I could figure out how to turn off or conquer in some way.
Well, I guess I feel a little better getting that out here. *Shrugs* I better get to bed, it’s almost 2am.