Loss…

Dearest Moon,

Would you please say hello to my X-step Mom Elsie for me and tell her that I love her and she will always have a special place in my heart and who I am.  Today I found out that Elsie committed suicide. She was dying of cancer, so I am assuming this was her way of taking control and dying on her terms rather than suffering until her death. It still made me cry.  She was always so good to me and kind.  I always felt cared for and welcome by her.  She taught me to play solitaire even!  When her and my Dad got divorced I was sad since it pretty much made it difficult to feel like I could contact her if i wanted to.

I talked with my Dad and he is understandably sad.  He had followed Elsie to Arizona even though they were divorced they remained friends I believe. He said she was suffering so it’s understandable that she would take her life. I just wish I could have had some type of contact with her, at least to tell her that she was good influence on my life and that I cared about her.  

I’m angry that we never have any money for me to visit my parents!  I just remind myself though that I’m a late in life baby, and that it is difficult to be in the midst of raising my family and providing what they need and then having to get to parents that are in their 80’s and being ravaged by old age and the ailments that go with it. My Dad is 84 and goes to dialisis 2 – 3 times a week since his kidneys have stopped working, and my Mom will be 82 this year and has Multiple Myeloma cancer, Giant Cell Arteritis, High blood pressure, and a kidney that has failed, and pain in her hands among other things.  I want to help them, I want to be there for them, but they are in Arizona and California and I’m all the way up here in Washington. It’s just so dang frustrating!!   

I’m torn between being the stay at home “constant” that my kids have come to rely on and that I for the most part am comforted to know I can be for them thanks to my wonderful husband Patrick, and the fact that our lives financially would be soooo much easier if I were working too. I remember at one time in our marriage I made more then Patrick did.  Now it’s been 15yrs or so since I had an “Official” job and even though I’ve had resume’s out there and applied to several jobs no one has contacted me to interview at all.  

Ugh…you know what Moon, it’s after 2am and I need to get some sleep! I need to be up in the morning to make the kids lunches and take the kids to school, and then pick them up.  Than take them to Violin lessons and Lydia to Track.  My day is busy and I love that I can be there for my kids.  I just get so torn between where my priorities should lie.  I will write more tomorrow if my heart is still over flowing. 

Goodnight Moon. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s