I am so truly blessed to have my wonderful husband Patrick, my talented and strong willed son Timothy, my wonderfully wise observant Lydia, and my creative outgoing social butterfly Clarissa. I am thankful to my creator and God for all that we are to each other. The good times and the bad. I just have been realizing lately that we have been through so very much over the past 21yrs!! I need to quit worrying about the future and being afraid of “What If’s” and just trust and have faith that God will get us through whatever comes our way.
I feel like I’m getting well, I kept feeling like a failure to be back on the welbutrin, but you know what? I need it and it is making me better so nothing to be ashamed of. Anyway, I’m tired. I’m going to listen to my body and go to bed.
Just haven’t been feeling well for a few weeks now emotionally or physically. I’ve been in a fall “funk” I guess, I don’t know. I started on the welbutrin about a week ago so that should be helping soon, but until than I figured I should just get some stuff out. I think part of this is hormonal I don’t know…
My birthday is coming up next week, and I’ve been wondering what is MY point lately. Where am I going etc… I figure I need to figure out Where I am before I can figure out Where I’m going. So sick of dwelling on Where I’ve Been! Problem I guess I’m running into is that somewhere along the way I lost myself. Everything has been about What does everyone else needs? Now I’m in a place where I can ask…What do I need? What do I want? … and I don’t know.
I am the biggest bully in my life. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes down to it. No one seems to treat me worse than I do, but this comes from being bullied as a child by kids at school, and even my family. I understand now that I’m an adult what made these people bully me and make me feel small so they could feel big and better about themselves, but the problem I’m having now is fixing the damage that was done. In my core I feel worthless, I have a wonderful loving husband and 3 beautiful children who help me realize I’m worth loving. The scars from being bullied are here and deep, but I honestly believe they are healing. It just might take all my life to do it.
Well, the other night it hit me that maybe I had abandonment issues or something. I’ve always just felt so crappy and not known exactly why. I found this website http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/abandonment.html it is AWESOME. I am totally an internalizer, but one thing that it made me realize too is that Timothy has abandonment issues also. He is an externalizer. Made me feel bad that he could be “damaged” from all the moving around and his Daddy being gone so much, heck could have even been me being so emotionally checked out too.
While reading I also realized that I am codependent. “This need to stay distracted or externally focused is the foundation for codependency… in fact, codependency is sometimes described as “addiction to the outside”. I realized just now while I was brushing my teeth that Patrick has been keeping me enabled in away. I haven’t cleaned the bathroom in weeks, I know it needs to get cleaned but I think there was a part of me that figured he would get in there and do it. He would have in the past. A few months ago, or maybe even a year, I told Patrick to just let things get messy, it was my responsibility to just let it go. It has got to be driving him NUTS!, but I think it’s finally sinking in. All this time I “fought” cleaning or whatever around the house when he was home, because it was for HIM, so HE wouldn’t be upset or disappointed, so HE didn’t have to be in a messy house. Well, I just scrubbed the sink drain because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I filled the dishwasher because I wanted to do it because it needed to be done. I bagged up the trash and put it in the garage because it was full. But The dishes and the trash might have been a touch about Patrick. Haha
Anyway, small steps I guess. These anti-depressants are making me shaky and dizzy. I hope that part goes away. It usually takes about two weeks to get past all that. I am starting to feel “clearer” already though. I wish we could afford counseling, it would be great if I could talk with someone about all this crap that runs through my head. It is so funny that none of my counselors before ever even thought to check if I had “prior” damage from childhood, just seemed to want to deal with my issues with Patrick being gone. Probably was stemming from being 6yrs old and my parents divorcing, my Dad became an every other weekend Dad who wanted to punish Mom through us kids.
Ok well, I’m going to go sleep for a little while.