January 19th, 2011

Dear Journal,

Dang I can’t believe it’s been 10days since I wrote an entry. “Time just keeps on slippin slippin slippin… into the future…” I’ve been in one of my “Funks” the past few days. Pretty much, ever since this person blind sided me on Friday morning when I was at Crownhill helping with Popcorn, I’ve been creeped out. I haven’t talked with him for almost a year, and he knew that Timothy was swimming, and was trying to make small talk and chit chat. I don’t want anything to do with this person anymore and I can’t seem to get away from him. He doesn’t get a hint and he obviously must be too caught up in himself to realize that he is an a** and that he should just leave me alone.

I don’t know why this whole issue with him has bothered me so much, and why I let it get to me. I guess he symbolizes my ignorance in opening up and letting people in and making more out of a friendship then is really there. I have in the past made this same mistake, you would think I’d learn. I have had friends who I thought were friends to me, end up not being friends at all. I don’t know where I got the idea, but somewhere I either learned or made up that…”A friend is someone you ARE, not someone you HAVE”…So, when I am someone’s friend I am just that, A Friend. Which means that I care for them and am willing to help them and am kind and just you know be a friend. LOL! I guess that is what people usually have family for in their lives, but since I haven’t had family for so long my friends are my family. I thought this person and I were friends, I cared about him and his family, and I “THOUGHT” or “assumed” (Makes an ASS-out of You and Me) that he cared about me and my family. So at convention last year when I realized that I was a complete and total fool, watching him getting caught in a lie a few times while talking with the regional director I was just floored, betrayed, hurt, shocked, etc… I guess I suspected that he was a jerk, and was undermining the PTA, but just didn’t want to believe it, but after that mediated meeting I KNEW how much of a jerk he really was.

I guess every time I see him now it just reminds me how I just must be stupid!! Also, he acts like nothing happened at all, like Friday when he tried talking with me. It would be different I think if he apologized because then I could know he was aware that he hurt me and he was sorry for that, but he didn’t. So he is either a completely self absorbed arrogant jerk, or he knows and he doesn’t care, or BOTH. After working with him for a year I’m pretty much at saying that he is BOTH. Haha

Another thing that hit me while typing this is that I think I looked to him as a “father figure”, or a “big brother” and maybe that’s why it’s making it more difficult. I would have to say I have “Father” issues!! My parents were divorced when I was 6 I think it was, so I saw my Dad every other weekend and than 1 week during the summer. I don’t remember anything about my parents being together accept one night waking up and seeing my Dad chocking my Mom, and another time when they were going through the divorce when my Mom was in the door way and my Dad was in the driveway and she was pointing a shotgun at him to stay away, OH! and the time when My Mom had my brother and I in the car, and my Dad was following her in his car and she drove right to the police station. He ended up having to stay in jail for 3 days for assault with a deadly weapon. I remember people joking at how stupid he was to follow her to the police station. He just didn’t want a divorce, but he was too controlling to stay married to I guess from what my Mom said and my 2 other step Moms.

ANYWAY!!… haha My first Step dad Bill is the one I think of as my Dad I guess, he’s the one that taught me to ride a bike and gave me a job helping him with order forms. He was an alcoholic though so I have some “fun” stories to tell there too…

Patrick just woke up and told me I need to get to sleep, and he’s right. Had an old friend tell me the same thing on Facebook, and I need to start taking care of myself, and start listening to the people who are my friends and REALLY care about me and stop dwelling on the people that don’t, or that hurt me. Someday I’ll get it all figured out. hehe Ok maybe not, but maybe someday I’ll figure out it just really doesn’t matter I guess?

Goodnight…

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