Anxiety most of the day, but a pretty good day over all!

Dear Journal,

Well, I had this underlying anxiety going all day, not sure what that was all about, but was a bit unnerving. I didn’t really get going until around Noon, but felt good pretty much over all. I got a lot out of my system last night on here so I guess that was good. Haha I finished up the Treasurer’s report and had all my “ducks in a row” so I felt good about that at the PTA meeting tonight. I tend to make Mountains out of Mole Hills and make mundane trivial things HUGE and overwhelming. I guess it goes with the irrational thought processes that contribute to my depression issue.

I have learned techniques to deal with the thoughts sometimes, the Generalizations especially, but sometimes it seems like their aren’t thoughts involved I just feel like crap. Also, I think sometimes I’m just reacting like anyone would to life stresses but since I’ve been depressed before it’s like I’m always trying to be vigilant as to what is going on so that I don’t get into the “break down” situation again. I think that when I had my break down 5yrs ago that was a whole completely different situation in that Patrick was still Active duty military, I was stressed with going to school, taking care of 3 kids alone, and than on top of that not having any family or friends to count on for help which I think was a HUGE factor. Solitary confinement makes you crazy. haha Now I am not doing this alone, I have Patrick here, the kids are older (they have always been helpful and wonderful kids for the most part.) and I have awesome friends that care and I just don’t think I could ever get into that dark lonely place again, but I still am always trying to be careful.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is I feel good at the moment, I spent the last two days in bed most of the time in a weird place and I’m out now so I guess I need to work on dealing with stresses better. I think there were just too many all at once which made this past couple days worse. I feel good right now!! And I think I learned from this time so hopefully I won’t have this happen again any time soon. I need to talk the stuff out with Patrick as it comes up, also the fact that I’ll NEED to be starting back to work soon pretty much threw me off guard, brought up a lot of the crap that goes with being a Mom & a Full time employee. I HATED the feeling when you are expected to choose between your children and your job. That is the worst feeling! Having to decide which is more important taking care of your child when they are sick or working to pay the bills and put food on the table. I didn’t ever want to have to get back into that situation. I go without professional hair cuts, manicures, I go without new clothes, shoes etc.. until they are holey and or falling off, so I don’t have to work. I think it will be different now, the kids are all older and can take care of themselves basically and I am kind of excited to get back out there now that I’m typing about the possiblity of going back to work in here. hehe It would be like getting my identity back, not just being “Mom” all the time.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up though. I would love to find a job where I could talk with people all day long, and do data entry, filing (yes I like to file I’m weird), answer phones, have deadlines, and a PAYCHECK! hehe It’s frustrating sometimes that the M.O.M. job doesn’t have a paycheck, nothing at the end of the week that says. “You are worth this…Much”

Ok well, I need to go get some of my MOM duties done and just enjoy this time home with the family. I’m sitting here next to Timothy while he plays on the kids computer. Patrick is upstairs with the girls watching Myth-busters. 😀 I LOVE MY FAMILY!! I am so thankful that we are all happy and healthy and have a warm safe home to live in. I am VERY blessed!!

Goodnight Journal!

Just read some of my past entries…

Dear Journal,

I know I should be in bed, but was messing around on here and changed the background theme and read through some of my old entries. Now I’m just like UGH!!…

I suspect that if someone were to describe me from my past I would think they would say “Happy, Friendly, Upbeat, Open, Honest etc..”, but if I were to describe myself (Especially after reading the entries here) I would have to use words like “Recluse, hurt, bitter, angry, etc…”. I remember there was a time when I was soooo much like the first list of words. I want to be open, friendly, and TRUSTING again.

Life was so much richer when I could see the goodness in others and didn’t feel like I needed to be always “On my guard” and hold myself back from letting people in. I guess I always assumed that the longer I lived in one place the closer I would become to people, but seems like that’s not the case, and I don’t know if it’s something I did or didn’t do that keeps everyone pretty much at a distance. Sage is such a wonderful friend in every sense of the word. I have always told the kids…”A friend is someone you ARE, not just someone you have.” And Sage is a friend to me, I trust that she would be there if I needed her, and that even though I might get on her nerves at times she cares about me anyway. There is a part of me that is damaged I guess, that doesn’t “trust” in our friendship as deeply as I would have in the past. Having issues with trusting people now has pretty much sucked all the COLOR out of the world.

Life is too short to spend sooo much time “On guard” or Angry…I need to just open up again and “Que Sera Sera” If I get hurt in the process so be it, I suspect I’ll get much more joy out of life than hurt if I stop being so closed off! Now can I get this tattooed on my forehead and as my desktop wallpaper, and on the bathroom mirror, etc… I just need to always remember what was said “I never said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it!”

Ok NOW I’m off to bed. 2am that’s not too bad…

Stressed…

Dear Journal,

I really need to remember to unload here to you rather than keep everything inside until I bust. I get more and more stressed or upset about stuff and I just keep it all in and than I get into one of my “Funks” and am depressed to where I don’t even want to get out of bed. I remember them telling me that once I’d been depressed it’s easy to slip back into the cycle, well HELL!! They weren’t kidding even a little bit. I need to go back to counseling probably so I can learn more techniques on dealing with feelings/emotions in a more “normal” rational way I guess, too bad it costs $25 a visit!! I don’t know where I learned the coping techniques I use, but they suck! Maybe when I was a kid they worked, but now they don’t.

First off I need to learn to forgive and forget!!! Dave is a complete psycho ASS, that uses people to work his agenda and get what he wants. I was stupid and thought we were all friends and learned the hard way with that type of person that you can’t trust ’em. I still am floored to realize how skeezy he is and how Jen, Barb & Michelle warned me about is shitty ways. Why do I give people the benefit of the doubt. I just think of how I trusted Jen and Barb too, thinking they were my friends and realized that Jen is psycho and Barb is nice but clueless when it comes to Jen. To have Dave, Barb & Jen all on the same PTA bored just floors me because I heard them all bitch about each other for literally years! Jen & Barb would tell me what a jerk Dave was, and Dave “explained” how Jen & Barb were worthless. Now to see them all chummy is just mind boggling. I always try and be “real” with people, “what you see is what you get”. I honestly try and treat others with kindness and hope that if I do offend someone they will come to ME and let me know what I did so that I can make it right. I just don’t understand people!!! Ever since convention where Dave showed me his true “Face” I am back into the wanting to just not go outside and be around people anymore.

Second I need to figure out how to not keep blaming myself for stuff… Should’a Would’a Could’as just really don’t help me AT ALL!!

Third I need to figure out how to go see my parents before they pass, it makes me feel so bad to realize that I may never get to hug my Mom or Dad again. My Mom turned 80 today, and Dad will be 83 in Jan. *Boggle* I haven’t seen either of them in 5 years!!! Ever since Patrick retired from the Navy our finances have gotten worse and worse I guess hind sight is 20/20 because I look back now and the economy was taking a dump as our finances were taking a dump. We finally in October started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and now I all I can see is the tunnel caving in around us. I don’t want to loose our house. THIS IS THE LONGEST I HAVE EVER LIVED ANYWHERE IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!! 42 years old and I’ve lived here for SEVEN!!! YEARS!!! I don’t want to loose this house and have to go back to apartments and start all over again…

I KNOW I have tons to be thankful for! I understand that and I am thankful, and I trust that things will happen as they are intended too. If there is a lesson that needs to be learned here, stuff will continue until that lesson is learned. I just wish I could figure it out sooner. haha Ever since the shit started to hit the fan I worry each month, and every month it all works out. I know I should trust that everything will work out, BUT there is a big part of me that is tainted by my religious upbringing that makes me feel like God can’t love me since I’m not doing all those things that a “good religious person should” be doing. Like I can’t be loved or cared about unless I’m doing ______ or ______. It’s crazy! Also the big one since Patrick and I were sealed in the temple that we are basically worse than a serial killer and going to “Hell” because we aren’t doing all that we “Should” be doing. Ugh!!! Most of the time I can think over that “Stuff” and remember that God loves ME! But, when stuff starts hitting the fan it is really hard sometimes, I think what did I do wrong, what am I being punished for and why is it punishing my whole family.

Ok I guess typing all this out does help. I can start to see the irrational areas of my thought processes and now that I see them hopefully I can turn them around or at least make the mountains back into what they are…mole hills. haha Well, I better go fold some clothes and get to bed. It’s “that time of the month” so that tends to make me extra crazy I think, and gives me insomnia which having my sleep screwed up really messes with my mood too.

Good night Journal!