After writing a message to my niece to wish her a happy birthday I realized how much time I’ve spent being Angry. I was so paralyzed by it for so long that I screwed up so many relationships it’s not even funny. I guess I can’t take all the responsibility for them, but some I can. The anger turned me inward to where I couldn’t really see anything but “the broadside of the barn”. Which is funny because that’s how my Mom would describe some of the outfits I liked to wear or coats I thought were cool. More stuff I’ve was angry about that I never just dealt with… I don’t want to hurt any ones feelings that might read this, but I need to get some stuff out of my system. Deal with the feelings so I can LET THEM GO!! I’m a stuffer is what the counselor would refer to it as. I get pissed, hurt, upset and I stuff it. He’d wad up pieces of paper and stuff them into an empty coffee cup until he couldn’t fit anymore in and than he’d take his hand away… He also referred to my anger as something “comfortable” and known to me. “you wear your anger like a coat”…
I feel like I live in a constant catch 22 situation!
Patrick has been retired from “The Navy” for over 3yrs…3yrs & 8mos on May 26th. Ugh!!! And I’m STILL screwed up. I have a hard time getting motivated to do stuff. I “escape” still rather than just deal with crap that happens day to day. I guess I should say “Stuff” not “escape”, same thing I guess. I watch TV shows until 1am that I have recorded all the while stuffing my life and thoughts, I get on Facebook and stuff my life away while I check out everyone else’s, I read books and stuff my life behind the pages I’ve read!!
I want to be present in my life!
I remember the counselor would ask me. “Who’s driving the bus?!” referring to the fact that it’s my life who’s making the choices. I don’t know that I have ever “made choices” I seem to trip along into my life…stuff happens and I flow with it, like a prisoner sometimes.
I am “happy” I think, but I feel more like a spectator watching my life and I’m happy that things are going “well” must of the time. I don’t feel crappy and emotional all the time, it’s basically when the “coffee mug” is getting full when things start pushing to explode…feelings are wanting to be felt, dealt with and dissipated. Like a “Normal” person does. I hold stuff in, I don’t go to the person that has hurt me and say…”I feel ____ because of how you did ____ to me.” Or whatever it is. Partly I guess because if I am hurt by someone I figure I must deserve it. (Self Esteem issues)
I know I am getting better, I was in a much worse place 3yrs and almost 8mos ago! I wouldn’t even leave the house much if at all for at least 2yrs before that. I remember driving to Silverdale with Patrick and it had been sooo long since I laughed that I remember saying something to him as we were getting off the freeway at the Mall/Target exit. “Omgosh I haven’t felt this good in soooooo long”. I remember saying it and feeling it like walking out of a cold dark place and feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. That was when I knew I was getting better…
When Patrick re-enlisted in the Navy I died inside I think. I went into a crisis overload mode of stuffing, I shoved everything in that “Coffee mug” so deep and so hard that I was numb and it didn’t explode for years. During that numbness though I missed soooo much!!!!
I am angry right now!! I am crying and feeling it!!! I am no longer numb and that’s good!!! It’s not about blame it’s not about justice or fixing anything it’s just about not being afraid to feel. I don’t have to feel like I’m not strong by crying or being pissed. It’s not about “I should haves”!!!
All that there is is Now. I am my yesterdays, but I don’t have to live in them today!
I feel better now…