I think too much about TOO MUCH…

Dear Journal,

I have been in a FUNK!! For weeks now… Easy answer I keep going to “it’s depression again”, I must NEED a pill or counseling. I say Easy, but I don’t mean it as in easy to go through, just as in easy to come up with because that was usually the problem in years past. I had those years where I used medication to try and help and I think it did; BUT it could have even been just the act of taking a pill with the idea that “this is going to help”, (something has got to help), so it did. I don’t know…

I think that there isn’t just one reason why I am having this funk, its actually lots of reasons. One big “sign” is that I seem stuck on last weeks Bible Study lesson. It was in a nutshell, laying down the past! Forgiving and moving on unhindered and free, from the past. Basically being able to look through “rose colored” glasses and find the place in my heart to look at things I’ve been angry about from a greater perspective.

I have been angry for soooooo long, that my counselor used to refer to it as my “anger coat”, I wore it around like a comfortable coat. Ok, not sure comfortable is the right word, but whatever word that means “I’d rather keep it on because it feels too weird with it off”. He also used to shove rolled up balls of paper into his empty coffee cup to show what I did with anger. I’m a stuffer. I don’t deal well with anger. I even have a past post on here somewhere, I might have made it private because I didn’t want to hurt anyone that might read it somehow. (*Aha moment* I keep anger inside a lot of the time because I just don’t want to hurt anyone because I know they might hurt because I did. (Hmm… that seems kind of confusing, but it makes sense to me so I guess that’s ok. Lol)) Anyway, I guess I am realizing I have an anger issue. I have been praying for YEARS to figure out WHY am I fat, “I must want to be fat because I maintain this weight!!”… I have stayed pretty much at this same weight for YEARS. I stuff my anger I “stuff my face”, mainly only at night when no one else is around. I don’t even really like food. You know how some people will say… “OH I LOVE to eat …..”, or “I Love to cook”, or “I love that restaurant”…? I rarely ever find pleasure in anything food or eating related. Somewhere along the line food changed for me, but I can’t recall when it did.

Ok the above paragraphs aren’t even what I opened Live-journal to journal about, but WOW! Some things are coming clear after writing that. Sooo, it looks like the Lord has led me to the answer to my prayer as to “Why do I do this to myself?” in reference to the fact that I know I’m overweight and it is hurting myself and in someways killing me. I’ve often acknowledge my weight as a type of suicide. I am not suicidal, wanting to die, but I do comprehend the seriousness of my weight, even though I haven’t taken steps to change it.

So looks like the answer might be found in anger management; but how do I go to an anger management class when it’s not directed at everyone else just inside??? Is there a type of class? Lol! I do get angry though at people, I have yelled and screamed, or even shake and cry, etc… So it’s not ALL stuffed… I think I mostly stuff anger about things I can do nothing about, things I have no control over, injustices, etc… Hmm… mainly the type of anger that I KNOW would hurt someones feelings if I showed it, or told them about it.

**Patrick just got up and asked… “What are you doing still up?”…I replied “Trying to fix things”…he said “What did you mess up now?” Ughh… that hurt.

His reaction I know is in reference to the many times I have showed my anger to people that I didn’t care about, or sometimes have cared about I guess. I don’t know, maybe it’s not the problem at all. It’s nice to have a lot of this out of my mind and in my journal, but this all seems to be leading me towards a fix, but not really pointing it out.

Originally I had been thinking about my dog Shadow and how she is 10yrs old and how I’m going to miss her when it’s her time to go. Over the past 6mos or so she’s gotten “groany and grumbily” not sure how else to explain it basically she makes noises that might signify that she’s getting old and creaky. So, her mortality has been hitting me, also I have a friend who had to say goodbye to one of her “furry babies” back in December and I HURT for her. I know she loved him like he was her baby, and that’s how I love Shadow. She’s like one of my children, yeah, I know she’s “Just an animal”, but she has been there for me when NO ONE ELSE on this earth was. She has been with me through it all! I find her annoying sometimes, but for the most part she is my Family. There were months in the not too distant past that I didn’t speak to another soul face to face other than my own children and Shadow. Yeah, I would “talk” to the cashier at the store, or people from the kids school, but NO ONE called or came to visit me and the kids. I would like to think that people didn’t intentionally “snub” me, but they just got busy with their lives, or I suppose they didn’t want to talk with me because I didn’t really have anything “good” to say. I mean really, who wants to talk to someone who’s negative most of the time, which is what I was; but in my defense I really didn’t see what was good. I was alone, but NOW I could see my roll in that, but than I couldn’t. I got out of Harrison Mental ward after a weekend stay and NOT ONE MEMBER of my family or Patrick’s family came to visit or help me even after that. This is the kind of stuff that makes me FURIOUS, I can feel my heart pumping faster, but it’s more than anger, it’s such sadness. I just keep trying to fathom what I did that hurt sooo many people that when I needed someone no one came.

Ughh… Maybe I had to go through what I went through than to learn that I need to ask when I need help. I didn’t ever really ask, I figured I was expected to do it all myself, “I’m in this situation I must be able to do it alone, or God wouldn’t have allowed me to be in it.” I can see now how “off” that thought was, but I couldn’t back than. Being depressed SUCKS!!

Ok it’s almost 3am, I haven’t gone to bed before 3am this week, no wonder I’m emotionally regurgitating all this STUFF. But now you can see my point in being Stuck at last weeks bible study lesson. I REALLY need to figure out how to trust in the Lord and others to help me when I need help, and to forgive those people that I perceived as hurting me by not caring, and come to terms with that fact that if they really didn’t care that is their choice and something they will need to take to the Lord themselves.

Another issue that has been on my mind lately is that I need to realize that I can’t change anything about myself that is offending someone else if I am never told about it. I know I probably do this myself, but I honestly try hard not to, and that is going behind someones back and complaining about the job they are doing or not doing, basically armchair quarterbacking on someones choices for their life, and than talking to others about these perceptions and not ever going to the person directly to find out the “Big Picture”. One BIG problem I have though is that sometimes I assume others are doing this about me, I don’t overhear any rumors about me, but I feel like I pick up on these negative vibes from other people. I don’t know if they are right or wrong, but I sure wish I knew I guess. What I’m learning though in bible study is that this whole issue is something I just need to take to the Lord, it just seems TOO easy, but I can see how it is sooo important and I need to figure out how to do it. Which is pretty much from yesterdays Bible study which is having the humility to realize that Jesus can do it all sooo much better than I can.

Ok I am exhausted now… How can I hold ALL OF THIS stuff in for so long and not get it out. No wonder I’ve been in a Funk!!!

Goodnight!!

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