Digging out the journal again…

Dear Journal,

Wow…it’s been a looong while since I typed in here. The last couple weeks I’ve been feeling myself sliding down the slippery slope of depression. I guess I should be glad that I recognize it at least. I know what’s going on, just not WHY it’s going on. I haven’t really felt well since Thanksgiving and I’m not sure if it’s just a combo of things or “Habit”. I SOOOOOO much want to be happy and excited about the Holiday’s, but I just feel like crying today. Maybe I should just cry and get it over with.

I have SOOOO much to be happy and thankful for. After reading through some of my past entries in here I can see where I was so lost. I remember always thinking that when Patrick retired things would all be better, and I believe for the most part they are, but there is this like underlying tempest of past hurt, regret, disappointment, anxiety, etc… that just lingers. It’s like that wound Frodo got in “The Lord of the Rings” that just never healed, it just lingers there and sort of makes even times that should be happiest just tainted.

I went soooo long without any close friends to talk with that now that I have the opportunity to have close friends, not just ME being a friend to them, but actually friends that want to be a friend to me, that REALLY care about me and how I’m doing it’s like I don’t know how to let them be my friend. I went out tonight with a really neat lady and we saw a movie, we get along great and always have a good time when we are together and our kids get along for the most part it’s just really fun, but there is always this underlying…anxiety…I guess that is what it’d be called that she doesn’t really like me or care, but even as I am typing it I know that isn’t true that she does care and she is someone I could turn to if I needed help and could depend on. It’s just hard to trust in that sometimes I guess. Funny how just typing that all out has sort of cleared it up and dissipated the anxiety. Lol Sorry having an “light bulb” moment. I guess that’s what typing in here is supposed to help with. heh

I suppose that some of my “depression” symptoms could be caused by hormone changes, I am getting older, and being overweight will mess with that too I think. The staying up late is still an issue even though I want to sleep at a “normal” time like most everyone else. I’m curious what my “pay off” is accept to “escape”, when I sleep I have dreams that are so vivid and I wake up from feeling really crappy sometimes. I’ll dream about sitting and talking with my Mom, or at a family get together like when I was little at my Aunt Elaine’s house with all the cousins etc…It’s just so hard to want to wake up from those. Usually my dreams are “social” in someway, easy, no anxiety about the relationships etc… Sometimes they are stressful like PTA dreams. Lol Sort of funny though sometimes, but I just never know what I’m going to dream about and that in itself is enough to make me not want to sleep, but just can’t NOT sleep.

Ok well, it’s 3:30am and I’m tired, I should have wound down hours ago and gone to bed. Before I went to sleep last night (which was actually yesterday AM) I talked with Patrick (yes he was very happy about that…Lol) and I was able to conclude that part of my issue I think is that I have a hard time just feeling proud of being a good stay at home Mom and volunteer. I don’t have a paying job, and I know that our finances could really use me working, but it’s not that I haven’t tried to get a job, but I just haven’t found one that fits our family life and Patrick knows that, but he’ll comment occasionally that “I need to get a paying job” or I get the comments from people “Well, Sharolyn doesn’t work” like I am just not busy because I don’t work, I know I have more time on my hands I suppose than a working Mom, but the time I have isn’t really my own since I spend it waiting for a child who needs to be taken here or there or whatever. Anyway…the conclusion we came up with is that Patrick is really happy that between he and I we have made it work for the most part and it’s really good for our family and I should be proud of being a Stay at home Mom and be proud of doing that job and doing it well, rather than letting doubt, guilt, failure, etc… make me feel like “Why even try” and basically let everything get run down and feel terrible around the house. So going to put down some goals of what I want and hopefully get everything on track to head in the right direction over the next couple weeks.

1.) Clean off my desk.
2.) Get all the PTA stuff caught up and ready to turn over to Sage when we get a chance to get with Jonee.
3.) Get a my house cleaning routine going again, I love Flylady.com 😀
4.) Get family photos up on the walls.
5.) Finish painting downstairs (Might be before #4 hehe)
6.) Do sewing project that I packed away for some crazy reason for the dining room.
7.) Teach the kids how to use the sewing machine and even darn a sock (My Mom showed me I figure I should pass it on.) and sew on a button.
8.) Get the kids cooking at least once a week.
9.) Eat dinner at the table together as a family like we used to do most every night.
10.) (Probably should be #1, but as usual I think to write it last.) Improve my relationship with the Lord with getting in the habit of reading the bible and praying daily and teaching my kids the wonderful comfort that comes from that.
11.) To keep setting goals and realizing that what I want is important too.
12.) (Another one that should be closer to the top of the list)Getting healthy, I’m guessing that if I get most all these other goals done that getting healthy will naturally get to the top of the list. I know that to maintain my weight for YEARS I know what I need to stop doing and what I need to start doing to fix this. I just want to get things right in my head and my body will come along.

Seems like my body, house, life are pretty much an outward show of what’s going on in the inside and I’m a mess. I don’t want to be a mess anymore…

Hmm…Poem started coming to me…let’s see…

These times I take to write,
are strange to say the least.
But, typing in my journal
is such a big release.

No one seems to want to hear
about all this stuff I fear.

My journal is my sounding board,
that doesn’t push and pry.
I tell it all my secrets without,
judgments or feeling like I have to lie.

I try to keep it all inside
the stuff I’d rather hide.

Ok well that’s all that came so far… Maybe if I start writing regularly I’ll finish it. We’ll see.

Goodnight!

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