I’m feeling pretty blue today, sick of having to wait for people to be available to hang out with me. Seems like I’m always waiting for someone. I suppose I should just be happy to be with myself, but just doesn’t work out that way. I’ve been playing World of Warcraft quite a bit lately and enjoy hanging out with friends there, but still people get busy in the game even and I end up just by myself, too much like real life to be an escape and entertaining.
I keep hoping things will be better when Patrick finally gets out of the Navy, but I’m afraid I’m still going to feel like this. He’s a very independant personality so even when he is home I don’t usually have him to hang out with. I guess I want some one to be passionate about me. I suppose that is a fantasy? No one is every REALLY passionate about anyone?
I don’t know, maybe I’m just being sad and should go cry and get it over with. My councelor asked me that once when we were talking about the time I put myself in the hospital cause I was just crying so much and felt so out of countrol. “Why were you afraid to be crying?” I wasn’t sure why I was so afraid, but I guess somewhere I figured I wasn’t supposed to be. I think when I was a kid I always was trying to be happy for some reason. Didn’t want anyone to think I was sad about stuff that was going on.
I remember when my Mom would take us to a hotel to use the pool cause Bill was sooo drunk. It had to be pretty expensive to just get a room and use the pool like that. We were happy to use the pool from the kids point of view, but I think we all knew why we were there so that was kind of sad. I guess life is just full of things that are bittersweet.
I just wish it were possible to have sweet for awhile, it’d be nice I think, and someone to share it with even better.