Feeling rather blue…

I’m feeling pretty blue today, sick of having to wait for people to be available to hang out with me. Seems like I’m always waiting for someone. I suppose I should just be happy to be with myself, but just doesn’t work out that way. I’ve been playing World of Warcraft quite a bit lately and enjoy hanging out with friends there, but still people get busy in the game even and I end up just by myself, too much like real life to be an escape and entertaining.

I keep hoping things will be better when Patrick finally gets out of the Navy, but I’m afraid I’m still going to feel like this. He’s a very independant personality so even when he is home I don’t usually have him to hang out with. I guess I want some one to be passionate about me. I suppose that is a fantasy? No one is every REALLY passionate about anyone?

I don’t know, maybe I’m just being sad and should go cry and get it over with. My councelor asked me that once when we were talking about the time I put myself in the hospital cause I was just crying so much and felt so out of countrol. “Why were you afraid to be crying?” I wasn’t sure why I was so afraid, but I guess somewhere I figured I wasn’t supposed to be. I think when I was a kid I always was trying to be happy for some reason. Didn’t want anyone to think I was sad about stuff that was going on.

I remember when my Mom would take us to a hotel to use the pool cause Bill was sooo drunk. It had to be pretty expensive to just get a room and use the pool like that. We were happy to use the pool from the kids point of view, but I think we all knew why we were there so that was kind of sad. I guess life is just full of things that are bittersweet.

I just wish it were possible to have sweet for awhile, it’d be nice I think, and someone to share it with even better.

Email to Patrick

Hi Babe,

Well, last couple days have been rather looong, it’s really hard to have you home and be “used” to you and than blip you’re gone. I miss you already and I know there’s still much more time to go. I’m trying to get on a better sleep schedule (as usual) so I’m going to keep this short. Continue reading