Well, just figured I should write something since it’s been a long while. I guess this journals main purpose has been mainly to VENT. I suppose that is a good thing to do sometimes, but still it’s sometimes hard to just want to type like I’m actually telling someone all my junk. Some how where I am in life at the moment I’ve ended up with no one to hang out with. I have people I could call and talk to I suppose, email, jump on a forum, or IM I, but to actually go out to lunch with, the movies, shopping, or girls night out. Nobody. My poor husband is really put upon I think cause I come to him to “hangout” with, like girls would (5hr long conversation and we’re just getting started), and he’s not really having any of it. He’s a man. Men just don’t really like to dish about stuff, they want to fix things, not just talk and vent. I don’t know. We can’t be doing things too badly since it’s been over 15yrs now and we’re STILL together. Even with all my quirky depression outbursts.
Let’s see last I wrote in here was April. Basically in a nutshell I got MUCH worse before Patrick got back in July. Ended up in the Hospital because I felt so out of control. Thankfully there was a woman from church who was willing to take the kids for me while I was there for 3 days, but kind of sucked to get that “out of it” to have to do that. Basically what brought built up over YEARS and YEARS of disappointment upon disappointment basically to where I got disappointed one to many times. Also being soooo alone so much of the time didn’t help at all.
Anyway, things have been better for the most part. I had gotten my sleeping schedule on track and than we had a few bumps and than I got off track again. Hence the 3:16AM posting in the journal. I’ve got to figure out why I’m doing this. My counselor says that there must be a “pay off” as to staying up all night and sleeping during the day. Last night while I was up late a thought hit me that maybe I stay up at night and “escape” in TV shows, a good book, or a computer game because I can do it feeling somewhat comfortable that everyone is home safe and sound and that way during the day when I’m home all alone I can just sleep until the kids and Patrick get home. I don’t know. Seems like an odd explanation, but possible I suppose. I’ll keep searching my mind and try and figure it out though.
I just need to get out of the house!! Find some friends! Other ladies my age with school age children that are home FINALLY free to do what they want and looking for someone to go do it with. I wish I were an independent spirit. I just love being social and hanging out with people, but at this point I’m soooo cut off from everyone and I know that is my doing in many respects. When I don’t feel “happy” I figured “why should I go inflicting myself on others” and than just sit home and wallow/mope about everything which in turn makes me feel even less “happy”.
I’m a mess. Well, Maybe if I type in this journal like I’m typing to a “friend” than it will help…maybe. Kind of like talking to myself I suppose.