On the verge of Tears

Dear Journal,

Well, here I am trying to find something to divert me from just either going to sleep (which I can’t do at the moment because I need to get my daughter from the bus stop soon) or sitting down and just crying (which I also can’t do because than I’d be all puffy and red when I go to pick up my daughter from the bus stop.

So, I have tried TV (which for some reason brings up this automatic response to open the refrigerator door which I don’t want to do.), I’ve tried playing a few different computer games, I’ve tried taking a relaxing bath and reading a magazine, and all these end up with me back at the same thing. I just want to cry and I don’t see any hope at all of getting through this next deployment.

I started on the higher dosage of Anti-depressants yesterday and I was hoping for some reason that they would kick in this magical feeling of “all is well”. I just am sick of being alone. I do have my children which is a comfort, but also a worry. I NEVER in my wildest dreams ever wanted to be a single mother since I saw my Mom do it with 4 children, and I only have 3, but still. Here I am married to a man that I love and is my best friend, but I feel like a damn mistress to his REAL wife… “The Navy”.

I hate the helplessness and the hopelessness of the whole deal. Helpless to change it, and hopeless to be able to feel any differently about it. I’ve tried. For almost 15years of this I’ve tried. I’m a chief’s wife now and I KNOW I’m supposed to be all support and strength, but I never was ASKED if I wanted to be any of this stuff. I stupidly fell in love with this Man who told me he was going to get out. Heck we used to joke about the guys who stayed in. “They all had mustaches” or something like that. I just want to scream!!!

People say “Well, you knew what you were getting into when you married him” and the fact is I DIDN’T, and I honestly could say that if I did I really don’t think I would have married him. This is no way to live, raise a family etc… UNLESS you have a good support base at home of Family and friends, which I don’t. It’s just gotten worse and worse when I never could have that it could.

I am sooo sick of being alone. Even when he doesn’t go out on a Westpac for 6mos, he’s gone for at least 6mos of the year. People just don’t get a clue about that. They just hear about the “Deployments” but they don’t realize hell he’s been gone 6mos LAST year already. The last time he was home for the kid’s birthdays was in 2002. I HATE that look of disappointment on the kid’s faces when it dawned on them. Daddy isn’t going to be home for our birthdays AGAIN. I try and help them feel proud and understand that Daddy has a job to do and help them try and be thankful, but really I’m trying to make myself feel that way too. I get soooo angry!!

I’m sooo sick of crying. I feel like I’m letting everyone down if I cry. I’m not being “Strong”; I’m supposed to “Suck it up”. I NEVER WANTED THIS. The longest I’ve ever lived ANYWHERE in my entire life was 4yrs in a row in the same house. My husband just can’t get any concept of that feeling of never feeling settled. Hell his parents STILL live in the house that he grew up in. I get so jealous of what he has taken for granted that he had and has now denied our children of. I did put my foot down though on this last move and told him that I wasn’t ever moving again so I guess the moving stops here.

I’m soooo sick of being ANGRY. It doesn’t do ANY good; I haven’t been able to change one damn thing in this world. People just go along taking things for granted and not cherishing the good stuff. I suppose people could say that of me I guess. Here I am able to be a stay at home Mom and take care of my 3 beautiful children and I’m complaining. Well, yes I am because I have NO ONE to share it with. I am thankful that I have the ability to email Patrick and that we don’t have to wait weeks to get letters back and forth to each other. I am thankful that the kids are now old enough for this deployment to actually email him too. At least Timothy and Lydia are since they can both read and write. Clarissa will still need a little help.

I am soooo sick of being disappointed. I have lost the ability to trust. I can’t trust that we aren’t going to move anymore, I can’t trust that he’ll be gone for only 6mos. Heck last deployment they were supposed to be out for 1mo. than it became 3mos… Than 6mos… and than it was supposed to be 9mos but they came back at 8mos I suppose I was supposed to be happy about that. Last year Patrick finally took 2 weeks off for the first summer he’d been home for in years and guess what they did. He made Chief so they made him come in off leave and SCREW his family and what we wanted as usual.

I don’t have what it takes to be a “good” Navy wife. I’m social and needy and dependant. I love having something good happen, but I love even more having someone to run to and tell about that good thing that happened. So here I am trying to spill my guts to my only friend. I wonder what fun my counselor and I could have with this one. “Yes my best friend is “Dear Journal”.” What a hoot.

Ok well, I better go get my shoes and socks on and pull myself together because I need to go be Mommy now. I’ll write more later. Good thing Patrick has duty today so he doesn’t have to see me like this. Tomorrow is his last day home for 6mos. I honestly thought this would get easier, but looking through the calendar and realizing how much he’s going to miss and how much we are going to miss him just never has struck me as something worth all the retirement money in the world. Oh well, I can’t change it. Never have been and never will. Just “suck it up”.

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