Today

Copy of Email I sent to Patrick somes up my day pretty well.

Hi Sweety,

I’m sorry I made you worry. I didn’t really get much of a chance today to actually just sit and write you. Ok that’s kind of a lie, but it’s just hard to write an email or do anything that requires alot of thought when the kids are running around.

I ended up staying up ALL night long. I guess writing all those “letters” got me going and I figured I couldn’t sleep. I checked on Lydia at 5am and she still had a fever so I gave her some Children’s Advil and she went to sleep. I got online and found a number for Pediatrics and it said they would be open from 8am – 11am on Saturday so I called right at 8am and got an appointment for Lydia. Yeah!! No waiting at the ER, so Timothy was already awake, and I had already taken my shower around 5:30ish and was dressed, so I just had to wake up Lydia and Clarissa and get them dressed and get Timothy dressed and we were out of here by about 8:20 and at the Dr’s by around 8:30am. Pretty good time I might add.

Well, the Dr. did a throat swab and they tested it for strep and she didn’t have strep. Yeah! Dr. mentioned something about shots if it was strep. Ewwww… So, we ended up getting out of their around 11am which isn’t too bad for a trip to the Dr on a weekend without a prior appointment. 3hrs has got to be a record. So, we were all hungry so we went to Wendy’s and I gave Lydia her medicine than. It taste GnASTY!!!! Ewwww…!!! I can see why she wants to through up after she takes it. But she ate and took her other medicine and she was ok. Than I ran into Pearl and ordered new lenses for my glasses, and than to the LDS bookstore and bought a couple piano books. So that when we have FHE we can sing the songs together.

I had told the kids we would use that money that Aunt Susan gave us to get them each something for being helpful (which they all still owe me by the way…Grrr). So we went to Target and Lydia got this thing that has double sided hard pastic plates with a sort of engraving of Barbie in different outfits you can mix and match and than you put it in a thingy and a piece of paper over it and use a black crayon to make a picture that you can color in. Timothy bought a Transform which he was WHINING about wanting so he can play with the other boys at school. (Our kids are spoiled, but I remember how bad it felt to not ever have anything the other kids had, or even when I finally did they realized how happy I was about it so they teased me about what I had. ANYWAY…) Clarissa got…Guess?? WHat does Clarissa usually ALWAYS get when we go get a toy? Did ya guess? Right… A NEW Baby. *GIggles* She’s such a Mommy. She’s kind of bossy though. Not sure where she gets that. *Looks VERY innocent.* OH I bought stuff for me too. I bought a Mic/headset combo so I can use Teamspeak on DAoC. Also I had heard about these Nancy Drew Mystery PC games and I bought one that had 2 games in it. So we came home and told the kids they had to have quiet time for a little while since I KNEW Lydia looked tired and would probably fall asleep and she did.

So, around 5ish Lydia woke up and we ate dinner. I started getting REALLY tired around 7ish so I HAD to go lay down. I got up at 8ish and gave Lydia her second dose of GnASTY! medicine and than told them they could stay up and watch Pixel perfect because I know they had wanted to. I would have stayed up with them, but I was Tired. So I went back to bed. Well, around 10ish Timothy came in and told me that Lydia just threw up. Ewww… Wonderful. Good thing she was in the bathroom and she hit the carpet. 😛 Can wish for toilet, but nothing wrong with her hitting the carpet. I got her some fresh water and told her to sip it. I guess I won’t give her anymore GnASTY! Until tomorrow AM. 😦 Not sure what to do to make it taste better. Maybe i’ll see about adding it to juice. Ewwww… I figured her tummy was too upset to try and give her some now, I’d probably be wearing it. Ewwww….

Ok so here I am. I sat down to write you and the dog is groaning at me. 😦 I just had her out before I came down here to write. I have to go clean the bathroom floor down here still. Timothy and CLarissa had the boys (ferrets) out in there and let them run around through their crap it looks like. Ewww… I’ll have to bathe them tomorrow.

Wow, that’s a lot of Ewwww’s in this email. hehe I’m feeling a little better today. I don’t know why. I guess because I felt a little better about writing my congressman I felt like I kind of “Tried” to fix things. I can’t go be looney(ier) , I’m not going to hurt myself, I don’t want you to hurt yourself, so I guess we will just have to enjoy the fact we only have had 8mos together in the past 2 years. WooHoo! I hate the Navy. I don’t care if they pay you a million dollors a day for the rest of our lives I don’t think it’s worth it, but that’s me. I’ve never cared about money. Yes it makes life easier at times, but it’s not required to be happy. Being together making memories, going through the good and the bad times TOGETHER is what I think is worth so much. But, I think the money won’t hurt. 😛 I want a new BIG ring when you retire. 😛 So I can wear it as a Medal of a job well done. Ok I guess a BIG whiney job well done, but a job done anyway.

I hope you slept well, sorry you have the Midnight to 4am watch. That one must hurt the worst? If i’m up i’ll email you and maybe we can “chat”. Sorry I worry you, but I just REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY hate this being apart stuff.

Love you bunches,
Sharolyn

Now i’ve gone off and done it… *Bites her fingernails*

Thank you for sending your E-Mail to Congressman Norm Dicks

The following information was received by our office.
Name: Mrs. Sharolyn Buck

Your message: Dear Rep. Norm Dicks, I am not sure if I should be writing to you, but here I am. I was wondering if there could be someway to address the rights of Military wives spouses. The ones that are stuck because they love their husband. I love my husband and have been supporting him for 13+ years as he has had his career in the US Navy. That is ALOT of ups and downs, and I just was wanting to maybe give a different perspective on this option of “Well, if you don’t like it than get out” attitude that goes with being part of the military. My husband is torn between his duty to his country and career and his duty as husband and father. There has been many articles that show this dilema and fact, but not many if any that show the dilema of the wife/spouse. What choice do we have? We can either support or divorce? The problem is with this support goes being alone MUCH of the time. Going without the love of your life and the father of your children. It sure would have been nice if someone pulls the spouse to be aside and asks before they marry into this military “prison” if they really know what they are getting themselves into and will they want to do it anyway. Maybe I would have said yes I will marry my husband even though it means marrying the whole military life, but atleast I would have had a choice of knowing. It would be even better to have an option later where it could be both the husband and wife who would have to decide if the husband would go for Sea Duty again, not just the husband that way if they needed to get things in order before the deployment there would be time, like marriage counseling or whatever, heck a vacation. I NEVER imagined I would have gone through all I’ve gone through and still have no way out. I for one wouldn’t have had children to put them through the constant uncertainty and disappointment that goes with being a spouse to a military member, all though my children are the only thing that get me out of bed every morning. I guess what i’m saying is, when is it EVER possible for the wife to say. Help me i’m drowning here! I’ve had enough I want off this Boat! I want a life where there is some routine and ability to plan one day to the next. Even when he was on shore duty we couldn’t even schedule marriage counseling. He couldn’t be sure he’d be off for medical appointments, because of Duty days and “safety meetings” (which he’d been to several times before I might add). I know there is the Ombudmand etc, I could go to a doctor and get medicine, but what I need is my husband. I need a routine, not all this up and down and in and out all the time. I’ve been told that if I go to the Naval Hospital and talk to a doctor there they will give me medication and counseling and maybe they will make it so that my husband can take a more active role in his Husband and Father duties over his constant unwavering role as Military member. Do I have any right to the freedom of other wives to have thier spouse home? To share thier life and home with them. Is there any freedom in not ever being able to plan anything. I don’t even know for sure if my husband will be home the second weekend in July so that we could take a vacation for his birthday. I understand that many people don’t have that option, but they still don’t have as many things standing in their way as a military member. Will he be out to Sea, will he have a duty day, will they allow him to take leave, or will it be close to a deployment and not allow him to leave the ship. Hmm … Just doesn’t ever end. I don’t remember the last time we went on a vacation. Since April 2002 to present I have spent 8mos TOTAL with my husband and that is not consecutive months. My children have had to go all that time without their father. I know, I know I should be thankful he comes home at all when so many men go off and don’t come home. Right??? When do military wives have the right to say ENOUGH is enough. Where they won’t have to be punished by the resentment of their husbands, or the fact that they just weren’t “Strong enough”. Why do I have to suffer because my husband is sooo close to retirement FINALLY. Why do I have to suffer because I love a man who wants to finish out his career. Why does he have to CHOOSE between the military and his family. Please could you answer me that. Why does a man or woman have to choose between the military and their family? Why does a woman when she has had enough only have the choice of divorcing her husband, getting a ‘lover’, or death (which isn’t really a choice since she dies a little everytime he has to go away, every time she has to take kids to the ER alone, every time she has to deal with crisis after crisis alone. After 13 yrs I want him to be out. I want him to be done, but he can’t. He is only 2+ years from retirement. I am such a baby to have gone 13yrs and now be whining about the last 2+? But it’s because I know what it is all about now. I know what it is like. Ignorance is bliss, but I’m not anymore (although my spelling seems to show i’m not to bright) but, I am dieing inside. I can’t sleep at night, I can’t look forward to anything, when he was on shore duty I couldn’t even go to school or get a job because I would always have to have a back up babysitter to take the kids on his duty day that was NEVER The same day each week. What about the military spouse? If a military member can’t “Handle the stress” anymore what do they do for him/her? What about the spouses when we can’t handle the stress anymore? I know there is the Ombudsmand etc, but the problem is I want my husband, my love, my friend, my lover, my companion, my team mate, my shoulder to cry on, BACK!! I want my children’s father, confidante, playmate, hero BACK!!! I don’t want to have to be alone anymore. I want to be able to plan next week, next month, next year!!! Please if you can help me. Sincerely, Sharolyn

I give up…

Well, last night there was an EARTHQUAKE… 😦 I’m guessing that no matter what I do something will always happen to interupt what I want or need. Someday maybe I will finally get my chance, but for 13+ years i’ve been waiting for my time. In this prison that never ends that I have no control over. Day after day it’s either recovering from a time when he is out to Sea, or thinking about how the next dang deployment is around the corner. I honestly think that they only way out is to be dead and buried, or WAIT. Wait always waiting…I just think it’s going to be such a laugh for someone to come to find out that when it is time for “retirement” something tragic will happen and I will die or he will or something terrible to end the joy will happen. I suppose it is inevitable something always does come to destroy happiness.

I hate being a Navy Wife, all I ever wanted to be was Patrick’s Wife, not wife to the GOD DAMN Navy. 😦 Day after day, this life in the military defending our freedom, only problem it doesn’t defend any freedom of the spouses that have been wedded to it. No freedom, oh I guess there is the freedom to get a boyfriend on the side to take the place of missing that spouse physically, there’s always the freedome to stay busy doing what ever volunteer work needs to be done, and heck there is also the freedom to have children and be mother to them, heck you can’t get a break from that job if you wanted one/needed one. So, there we go, Freedom. Freedom to hate yourself for being in love with a man who sees only how retirement and the money that comes from it will take care of all the problems that will be faced for the furture. I just honestly hope that it will have all been worth it. I’m proud of my husband, of his dedication to his job. It just drives me nuts that there is no dedication to anything that he does for the Navy. They’ve passed him up 5 times for making chief. And for some they say that it is because of their quota to promote so many minorities and woman. That they would pass up promoting a man that has never been late, that is always dependable, that would allow his wife to take herself to surgery and bring herself home because he didn’t want to put out someone else to have to take his duty day. When his wife BEGGED him to take time off that he just told her no he couldn’t. But, they still pass him up for advancement.

This has been 13+yrs of hell, and knowing that there is only 2 more left seems like it should be some comfort, but it doesn’t. Atleast it seemed up until the past 3 years that there was MAYBE a chance that he’d get out. That we could get away from this Warden the Navy. I would love to have the freedom of counting on someone. REALLY being able to depend on someone for help if I needed it. That is what I thought a man and wife were supposed to be for each other. The fact that the military makes it so a Husband and Wife can’t be that for each other pretty much takes away basic freedoms. For me if the wife doesn’t want to be a part of the husbands career than he should be allowed to have his career at shore duty rather than OUT in BFE Sea Duty, away from his family and responsibilities there. Sure he could have gotten out of the Navy, but than what. He would have rescented me for not supporting him to finish until retirement. I love him. I feel his frustration with me, his disappointment with me for not being “strong enough” to handle these times apart.

So, maybe you can now understand my hell that is my life. Live it as it is, alone, not ever being able to count on him for anything. Not being able to plan birthday parties, dinners, or even just a quiet time just the two of us sitting at home snuggling watching a few movies together. The kids can’t count on their Dad being there for them for school things, or even if they are sick and have to go to the ER.

I know, this life has no guarantees. I guess that’s why it hits me so hard. That all this time apart is wasted. It can never be regained. The memories have already been made without him here in them.

SO, anyway to my subject. I give up. I give up trying to being on a “Normal” sleep schedule. My life is not normal. I can’t have anything that I want. There has been nothing normal about my life for pretty much 13yrs. Nothing that could be counted on. Well, I guess there were the 3 years in the beginning. We had each other. I was working, we had a routine. Something I had never had. I could count on someone. I was part of something; we were a team. As soon as he was transfered off that first Shore Duty back to California and didn’t get out like we had talked about. My life ended, but the problem was. It wasn’t just my life anymore we had our son. I remember how much my Mom agonized about taking us kids away from our Dad. I couldn’t do that to Timothy. I couldn’t divorce Patrick because I NEVER saw him but on the weekends. That I was raising our son alone. I just kept thinking that Patrick would get out after this Sea Duty. We would get our time.

It all hurts to much to dregde through all the crap that leads up unto this time. To me sitting here pouring out my heart and angry to a dang computer because no one else will listen. Not even my husband can listen beucase he can do nothing about it. I have to be mental, which maybe I am now, for him to get to leave the ship and come home. I hate competing with the Navy for my husband. I always loose. I have never won any battle when it has come to a battle of weather he can stay home with me or have to go out on the DAMN FUCKIN SHIP. (Excuse my language, but i’m angry, constantly all consuming anger.) I cry and cry and cry. Than I feel a bit better, but I ALWAYS come back to this spot. I’m angry, I feel jipped, like i’ve been living someone elses life and that someday I will be set free to be FREE to live my life with team mate and we will be able to live our life together. I’m so frighted that when that time FINALLY comes we won’t know how to be a team. He won’t have the excuse to leave out to Sea anymore and he will be suck here with me and decide he doesn’t want me. I have been here waiting, stuck, not able to afford childcare so I can go to school, go to the gym, not being able to do any of the things I would like to do because I don’t even have the same opportuinites as a divorced woman. I don’t have low income child care, there are support groups for the “single” mother, but i’m not one even though I am often mothering ALONE. What am I. Who am I. I am a mother of 3 beautiful wonderful kids that want their Daddy. They want their Daddy so much it blinds them to the one parent they do have consistantly with them. They don’t worry about me leaving and not coming home for months at a time. They know that I will always be here for them. Which for me that is wonderful. It’s just sad that they can’t have that comfortableness of consistancy with their Father. That is one thing I wanted for my children that I NEVER had. I have had 4 step Dads. One of which I considered more my father than the others, maybe even more than my real Dad. Am I able to contact him, no, he’s dead. He loves his alchol more than he loved my mother or us kids. That time we moved right under his nose, a little at a time, until we were all moved out and he didn’t even notice until we were gone.

All these times that Patrick goes away, he takes a little bit of me with him. Over and over and over again, I am than left with this shell. Angry and bitter and loanly. Only purpose is to be a mother to my children, but than what kind of a mother am I being when I do nothing for myself. My children will grow up thinking that their mother was just a shell at thier beck and call. She had no other ambition or drive.

Maybe they will be right. I’ve figured out why I like to be awake when your asleep dear. I can be busy and somewhat happy at night when I know you are home safe in our bed, and than in the morning when you go off to work, I sleep. I sleep away the pain of not being able to be with you, share things with you, knowing that everyday is just one day closer to when you will be gone again for months. Also that impending fear that one of these times you will come back again with someone else in your heart. Maybe that is also what I am subconscicely pushing you to. If you choose than it will free me, and It will have been your choice not mine. The problem is, all i’ve ever wanted was to be with you, to live together, love together, raise our family together. I wanted to be a music major once. I used to be able to play, I used to LOVE to play for my own enjoyment. I used to draw, I used to love to draw. Now, all I do is wait.

Just imagine being in a cell, you can move around in this cell, the only walls are your resonsibilities, well, not exactly YOUR responsibilities they are your spouses so there for your own. The first few years in this cell aren’t too bad. You don’t even realize you are in a cell, that you aren’t fee. Than about 8yrs in you start to realize you have welts and lashing marks that you didn’t even realize you were getting. You realize that you are getting beaten down and beaten down every disappointment is another lash. You were once able to shurg them off you realize. Rise above them because you knew that they were supposed to end soon. By 10 yrs rolling around you realized they weren’t going to end. You would continue to have disappointments. The only good thing was that during this time you were given little angels. Your children to help you through. When they were so little you knew that things weren’t too bad. It wasn’t until your oldest in response to the first Shore Duty and his daddy being around all the time, your son asked everyday for a WHOLE month if Daddy would be home that day. YOu realized the lashes he had on him that were healing, slowly. Your oldest daughter was too young to have been hurt by the lashes yet, but it started to down on you that she too would feel them. And than your youngest. The things that were going on at the time you barely remember her first year. But now you do, things are better now with your husband, but still you look back over the time and feel every disappointment that hit yourself and each of your children in turn. You try and cusion the blows for your children, but as they get older you know it is in vain. They are strong children, they have to be. They too love thier Daddy and just try and remember the times that he’s been home, and that he won’t be gone “that” long. But for you it’s harder because you know it could change, you know that the lashes don’t just stop they keep coming, you’ve resigned yourself that they will never stop, because even though they don’t come from certain disappointments directly anymore they come from having to teach for instance, your daughter that “we can’t save a piece of pizza for Daddy for a whole month”. But than there is a part of me that wants to say “Yes we can, let’s freeze it”. But i’m afraid she doesn’t exsit anymore, or soon won’t.

Ok here we go again… Another try.

Well, last night was better than the night before. I finally resorted to a sleep aid. Ewwww… So, after taking a Unisom I went to bed around 11:30pm since I was actually feeling kind of tired and than *Blahm* around 1:00am I hear both my girls crying for me. Ughh… Lydia woke up with a nightmare and since Clarissa was in bed with Lydia that screaming and crying in turn woke up Clarissa and made her start to scream and crying and they went into to Timothy since I told them I was taking this sleep aid and was afriad I might not hear them if they were to wake up and … Ughhh … Anyway, it kind if worked the way it should if I couldn’t hear them, but I heard them and so I finally got them back to bed and me back in bed around 2am and I think I slept pretty well until around 5am when I woke up and had to PEE… Grrr… Ok so than I went back to sleep fairly easily which was a shocker and than woke up around 7:00am cause I figured I might as well get up since I didn’t think I could sleep anymore. SO, hopefully tonight will be better although I did take a nap today since I was feeling REALLY tired from around 11am – 2:30pm. Old habits die hard. I am used to sleeping during the day ya know. Ok well, I’m off to try and become normal. 😛 It’s been pretty close to 4years or more since I was on a “Normal” sleep schedule so, I guess I should expect it to take a little more time.

I was bumbed that today I felt very unmotivated even though I knew I had had enough sleep. That part I hope goes away. I want to feel happy/motivated that type of thing. I’m afraid that that part of me is broken some how, or will always be set to around 3am. Grrr… Ok i’m going to bed now.

Sweet dreams.

Might have worked

Well, might have worked this going to bed early thing except I woke up for no reason at all at 12:15 (After 1hr) than I fell back to sleep and woke up at 3:30am and I don’t think I really feel back to sleep until close to 5am and than was only for a little while AGAIN and than I got up with the kids had some breakfast got them off to school and broke down and went to bed. Grrr… I slept for awahile from about 8:30am until about 4ish. I really want to knock this off and get on a “Normal” schedule. The furry ferrets haven’t been out for 2 days. I went out with the kids around 5ish and we got some stuff at Safeway. One of the things was Unisom. I took one almost an hour ago and it’s not even doing anything that I know of. It’s after 11:30pm here though now sooo I’m going to try and do this get to bed at a decent hour thing again. Wish me luck.

Trying a NEW thing :P

Well, here I go. It’s almost 11:15pm and I’m going to go to bed. I am actually a little tired. I had a REALLY bad night last night although I did go to bed early come to think of it. First time in a LONG time. Anyway, I hope that I will sleep better tonight than I did last night. Tempting to actually go to bed and read, but that isn’t good either. I usually end up staying up another 3 or so hours and that just isn’t working well. Ok Nighty night.

Wish me luck.

Busy Day

WOW, today was a busy day. I actually ended up not going to bed after I got off the computer. I decided i’d fold all the clean clothes that had been sitting ALL over the sofa downstairs for several days. I ended up folding them all and putting mine and Patrick’s away, than sat Timothy, Lydia & Clarissa’s clothes back on the couch in 3 neat piles for the kids to put away after they got up. I was pretty much done around 7:15am and realized that Timothy hadn’t gotten up yet so I figured he must not of turned on his alarm clock, and sure enough, he hadn’t. So, I woke Timothy & Lydia up and got them breakfast than FINALLY went to bed. I set the alarm for 11ish so that I could be up in time to take Clarissa to pre-school. She let me sleep off and on until than so I think I slept pretty well.

I got up and dressed than made sure I had all the dance clothes for everyone and she and I were off. She got to Pre-school around 1pm and than I headed over to the lake and sat there and watched the ducks/geese and read a magazine. I talked to Diana and ended up going over to her house and chatting until about 2:30pm than went and picked up Clarissa early and took her over to Dance. I left the dance place to head ALL the way back towards home so I could pick up Timothy & Lydia from school and than turn around and come all they way back to dance. We didn’t get done with dance until 6pm. Grrr…On the way home it was hard to keep my eyes open. Heck right now typing this it is hard. hehe This might work out really well if I can actually last until bed time rather than going to bed early.

Well, the kids are eating (as well as fighting/arguing/crying/screaming etc..) and everyone needs a bath I think. Maybe than can go one more day. Hmm I doubt it. OH well, it’s only 7pm, not like I can go to bed right now. hehe OK, i’m going to go maybe just lay down and “rest my body” as my mother used to say.

I’ll see about writing more later.