Old Email to Patrick

October 29, 2002 12:47am

Hi Sweety,

*OUCH* My brain hurts now… hehe I need to go back to school. LOL! Do you have a calculator, or are you allowed to use one? I know that Texas Instruments one I had (around here SOMEWHERE) was pretty nice to use to do things with.

I better get to bed. Sorry I haven’t been writing. I’ve been sort of brooding (sp?) I guess. Just trying to get a routine down and figure out what I’m doing. The kids and I decorated by putting up some decorations on the front door and hung a ghosty and put up the ghosty lights in the window. We had fun. πŸ™‚ It just breaks my heart when Clarissa or Lydia say stuff like “I bet Daddy’s going to like this when he gets home”… sort of just floors me emotionally. 😦 Not sure how to deal with this kind of stuff anymore. I mean I understand, but I don’t know how to help them understand and help them to feel ok. I can just seem them feeling bad and missing you. I try and say up beat and positive things when they bring you up, like when Daddy gets home we will be putting Christmas Decorations up. That’s basically what I said tonight in that instance. But sometimes they just catch me totally off guard and than I don’t know what to say.

I think there is some kind of mental struggle going on inside me about the way I figure things ‘should’ be and the way things ‘are’. Also, I’m trying to go off of my own life experiences and all that I wanted for my own children that I didn’t have myself. #1. Have a Daddy that was around all the time. Not have to just see him every two weeks for instance.
On the other hand though, you are much more of a “Father” as far as I don’t remember him rough housing much with us after the divorce I guess or even reading to me or anything like that. He did take us to for a week in the summer.

Anyway, the same old dialogue goes through my head as always; this inner struggle of the “mother protecting her young” where I don’t want the kids to feel bad or hurt at all ever. I want to protect them. 😦 On the other hand there is the “practical” person that says. “I guess ya might as well get used to disappointment now because life is just full of it”. I think about how many lessons I guess I should have learned when I was younger. I guess I always just assumed that life would be better for me after I got married and had a family of my own compared to my growing up life. But, I guess it doesn’t really change much except for the people and the exact situation’s circumstances, but it seems to be the same deal over and over and over again. “Give your heart … Loose your heart … Give your heart … Loose your heart.”

I’m just emotionally tired, and physically as well. I’m also paranoid at the moment. I hate this feeling. 😦 I don’t like to ‘have’ to be alone. I like to choose when I want to be alone or not. I’d like to choose something. Why do I dwell on the things I can’t seem to do anything about? I guess I keep trying to look for an answer where I could have what I want, but I can’t, and than I also have this fear that when it does come time for you to get out that you will leave me and I won’t get what I want anyway. I want a family, I want to go to bed every night next to someone. I mean I should be thankful that I know that you are that someone and that you’d be home if you could, but I still just miss you. Also which each day that goes by I start to loose the ‘flame’ that built up when we were actually together which sucks. 😦 The phone calls help, but I know that the calls won’t be available for a few weeks now?

Ughh I just heard a loud bang type sound. Brb… Clarissa fell out of bed 😦 I don’t recall any of the kids doing that before now, and if so when it was exactly. Poor thing she was just sitting there crying so I picked her up and cuddled her and put her back in bed. She went right back to sleep. I wonder if she will remember in the AM.

The kids and I decorated a bit this evening for Halloween. There’s this one ghosty thing that I had hanging up in the kitchen that has me all paranoid now. It’s one of those paper ones that folds open and has the paper arms and yes that fit into the folds. Ya know which kind I’m talking about? Hehe Well, I had it hanging from the ceiling taped up there. It kept kind of turning back and forth. And I’d look over and it would seem like it turned to look at me. Scary… Than it would turn away. Well, about 2min ago it fell down and scared me. Ughh I hate this feeling. I wish you were here.

Well, I better head up stairs and see if I can get to sleep.

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