Family

Hello Moon!bd02b18f57a7c2dbc97515ea6f3f26d3--quotes-on-family-love-beautiful-family-quotes

Patrick and I are on vacation for almost 2wks together without kids, and just finding us again. This is the first time he and I are out on our own since the kids, and no one died. Last time was when Daddy died May 2013.  I should be asleep, but I’m not. I am feeling pretty happy! I didn’t realize how much I needed to see my family, to feel that connection to my childhood and those who inhabited the happy places of my memory.

Most everyone that we have visited is someone that I haven’t seen in not just years, but decades. Also I was able to find and connect with my Dad’s side of the family, I hope we can stay connected.

The whole trip started with planning to see my Mom since she hasn’t been doing to well. I didn’t want to wait so Patrick said lets go. Also, my 30yr Class Reunion was coming up so just figured to lump it all in together. I figured we could save money by not doing the reunion, but Patrick pointed out that I may regret not participating, so now I am excited and nervous that we are going. It will be neat to see classmates from High School. It is especially significant having had my baby just graduate high school in June. 30yrs apart!

This trip has been emotionally healing so far. Between meeting my Dad’s nieces, to spending a few days chatting with my Aunt Elaine and visiting with my Aunt Lois I have learned so much and literally feel lighter.

Circumstances being as they were with my parents being divorced and what led to that fact, I didn’t often ever remember hearing people talk kindly and fondly about my Dad. On this trip I was able to hear that he was FUN! That he was enjoyed. He and his Big Brother would tease with his brother’s kids. They said he was a good man and had a great smile. Something about that exchange has made me feel different, better.

When I was visiting with my Aunt Elaine I learned that she is a story teller. I don’t know if I ever knew that about her, but she tells stories and then began writing them down. She let me copy them to a thumb drive and I am looking forward to reading them. Also, she colors. I LOVE coloring too, but haven’t done it in awhile. I talked with her about so many things and her responses have changed me for the better I think. She reminded me to be positive.

While visiting with my Aunt Lois it hit me that I would have loved to have known her and had her to talk with through out my life. She has such a great sense of humor and she sings often! It’s like there is always music in her and it periodically bubbles out, she will hear a phrase in a conversation that will remind her of a song and she will start singing that song. Many were from the Glenn Miller band era. A few I recognized a few I didn’t. I was sooo happy when I was able to get Clarissa on video chat and see her Great Aunt Lois. She got to see her Great Aunt Elaine too that way.

Tomorrow we head to Palm Springs for the 1st night of the reunion, a casual meet and greet. Then Saturday is the “Official Reunion”. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to see my Mom then or not. I’m really looking forward to seeing my Mom in away I hadn’t before. We talked on the phone tonight and it just felt lighter and fun. Sitting and talking with my Aunt Lois somehow opened me up to seeing my Mom in a different way. I am not sure I could explain it. I think it would be a perspective thing.

Anyway, I REALLY need to get to sleep, I’m not sure what time check out is tomorrow, and I am making it hard for Patrick to sleep while I’m typing along here.

Goodnight Moon!

Still trying to work STUFF out.

its-time-for-your-to-live-your-own-life-without-worrying-about-the-expectations-of-othersDear Moon,

I opened WordPress up to write to you and found a couple drafts that I wrote about four years ago. I realized I published one of them already that was titled Procrastination. I am not sure why I kept it as a draft, but I read it and I remember how painful at the time it was. I was pretty pissed and raw. Sort of funny to realize that I don’t feel that way anymore. Progress.

Well, it’s actually 9:30 in the morning so not sure exactly where you are in your orbit, but I guess I’m where I’m “Supposed” to be. Awake. Although I’m tired. I STILL haven’t figured out why I don’t make the healthy choice to just go to bed when I’m tired at night. I have some guesses.  Seems to be I have an issue with silence, just being. When I’m left with my own thoughts not distracted by TV, internet, a book, Netflix, etc.. My WHOLE life seems to have been about “What’s so and so going to think?”, “What’s so and so NEED?”, “What can I do to help?”, “How can I be a better friend?”, “Am I parenting correctly?”, “What do I need to do or be for him/her to like me?”, “What am I doing so wrong (Judgement from an outside perspective)?” etc.. Everything is pointed out towards everyone else, and not toward me.

“Know Thyself” ~ Seems to mean different things through out time, but for me at this moment it means I haven’t taken the time to actually figure out and know who I am, what I want, or as a previous therapist would ask… “Who’s driving your bus?” haha Now sounds like the perfect time to give it a try though.

I’ve learned that writing helps me. I have realized that some things about myself just ARE. They aren’t good or bad, they just are ME. Like the way I learn and/or remember things. I have to see them. The concept, name, etc… has to be in some kind of a visual format for me to remember it. Someone can say something to me to remind me about something I learned, but until it clicks in my mind and I can “picture it” I won’t really remember. I’ll have to continue to test this theory, but it’s fun to think and feel that it is Me and that is “ok”.

Most “stuff” is all about my Self Esteem or lack there of, seems to be my biggest issue. Currently I’m working on the whole being more “self” focused. Honestly it’s probably just being “normal”, but to me it seems selfish of me, but is “Ok” for everyone else. I feel like my self worth is fully dependent on everyone else. I am ok ~ because my kids are great, I have a great hubby, because I was a navy wife, etc… Not about me as a person.

Ok, for example, I’ll text someone, or write an email and during the time that they take to read and write back my “Self talk” would have already ripped me up and told me how terrible of a person I am and why that person won’t write me back. It isn’t as traumatic if I’ve written someone I have some trust in to “tolerate me”. My self talk tells me I am annoying, thoughtless, embarrassing, ridiculous, rude, stupid (missed spelled words, grammar), etc… Just seems pretty crazy to me to be that way. I need to just not care so much, as my Father In Law would say. “Fuck ’em” Lol The person I emailed/txtd has probably just forgotten, busy, never got the email etc…

I need to figure out a way to believe the little image I had hanging on my wall as a kid trying to make me feel “Ok” with myself even though I couldn’t ever be good enough for my Mom, my Siblings, my Teachers, my Dad/Step Dads (to stay), my Church (I wasn’t worthy), my God (I wasn’t worthy) etc…  “I know I’m somebody, ’cause God don’t make no junk.” … He made an exception with me (I’m junk). <—– That is just what popped into my head.

Here are the truths that I must some how figure out how to believe over the inner self talk and core “worth”. I am kind, I am thoughtful, I am brave, I am beautiful, and I am worth being loved.

Almost a year ago, I was pretty much in a frame of mind of “I am WAITING TO DIE”… Today I am in a frame of mind “I am WAITING TO LIVE”… It’s time to LIVE!

Thank you Moon for always being there, for always listening with out judgement and being my sounding board. I’ve never really trusted anyone else to be that for me except Patrick I suppose. Makes sense that you came into being when I couldn’t talk with Patrick all those years ago because he was out to Sea. God brings people in and out of our lives as we need them. Even those that we makeup ourselves.

 

What am I doing so wrong?

Hi Moon, 28542-6-39-so-does-5-4-the-way-you-do-things-is-not-always-the

It has been awhile since I wrote here. I’m just in a place where I am so sick of people being pissed off at me for something I did or said that upset them to the point that they tell everyone else, but me. I know my opinions won’t be the same as everyone else, and I get that. I totally understand that I am not perfect and I know I make mistakes. I never purposefully intend on hurting anyone. If anything I would literally hurt myself to help someone else if it would help them.

After this volunteer position is over with I will never put myself out there like this again. When the kids were in Elementary school I did it so I could meet people since I did not have any friends or family in the area, and I ended up more closed off by the time all was said and done. I figured that that situation wouldn’t happen again I took a chance, and here I am all over again, not as betrayed as before, but still at a loss for what to do.

I am thankful for sweet ladies that I met back then and some now too which in some ways makes it all worth it, but I just keep coming back to wondering “What the heck am I doing that is so wrong?”…People keep saying that “this is just like High School”, the fact is that these situations I have been in were nothing like high school. I was fat and teased for being fat mostly by guys, but girls were pretty kind to me for the most part. I didn’t have many “close” friends, but I had one that I still have to this day even though life has made things difficult for us to hang out. No where in High School did I ever deal with this, and maybe that is the problem.

Was I just supposed to know that some females can treat each other like crap and it’s “Ok” because that’s “Just what we do.” I know I have a part to play in any issue between me and another person, and I am fine with talking with them and trying to work it out. Even if we have to walk away and come back to it later. Seems to be that that is what is supposed to be different then “High School” I guess that we are all adults and should be able to get to the point where we can agree to disagree?

Anyway Moon, I just wanted to support the kids in the music program and maybe get to meet people and maybe make some friendships and maybe that’s where I went wrong. Volunteering is not a way to make friends just enemies I guess. It’s just all so sad, and it so hard to feel worse about myself then I already did.

I should be starting counseling up again soon so hopefully that will help me understand what exactly I’m doing that is so wrong.

~ Sharolyn

Probably about time for a professional

Hi Moon!!

I guess you would think that not posting in this “journal” since the end of last year has been a good thing, but now that I’m sitting down to actually do it I realize the reason has probably been that I’ve been too “blue” to actually talk to you. A few weeks ago I was reading an article about an Anxiety Disorder that I found a link on my Facebook news feed from “Psychology Today” or “Psychcentral” Facebook pages and thought it really fit with my mental state. Then tonight my sweet wonderful son sent me a link to a very similar article but the symptoms are pretty much exactly where I’m at.

Capture54654Signs and Symptoms ~

  • Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
  • Self-imposed social isolation
  • Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships[12]
  • Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
  • Feelings of inadequacy
  • Severe low self-esteem
  • Self-loathing
  • Mistrust of others
  • Emotional distancing related to intimacy
  • Highly self-conscious
  • Self-critical about their problems relating to others
  • Problems in occupational functioning
  • Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
  • Feeling inferior to others
  • In some extreme cases, agoraphobia
  • Uses fantasy as a form of escapism to interrupt painful thoughts

The fact that he sent me the article just shows me how “profound” my symptoms must be and that I’m not hiding them very well. I guess over the years I fought all the negativity, but over the past maybe 10yrs I have slowly just given into them and taken them to heart and figured I would be safer and happier just hanging out in my house.  It really sucks though because I am showing my kids a really unhealthy way to deal with emotions and I don’t know how to fix it now. I wouldn’t wish feeling like this on ANYONE.

I know I wasn’t always like this, and I’m know it’s more debilitating some days more than others. I have this constant dialogue going through my head and I’m telling myself that I’m OK and I’m safe, trying to reassure myself whenever I’m out. Thankfully my kids learned early on how much it hurt me to be rejected by them in public. They can be upset with me at home and I can realize it’s just “Normal”, but in public it’s like they punched me in the gut, and if it were in front of my Mom, In-Laws or silbings that was the worst!!! I know it is really irrational, but I can’t seem to figure out how to fix it. Maybe being a “good” Mom is the only thing I can say I may have been good at in my life I guess, that’s why it hurts so much.

Maybe enough time will go by someday that I won’t “Spaz out” when I’m around my Sister, and Brothers, but I am not counting on it. The feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, and worthlessness just get so bad that I just try too hard and over compensate with humor or talking or smiling or anything that just makes me seem to be a spaz.  Also, I’m actually finally after almost 25yrs, being able to say I “think” my In-Laws really care about me, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to fill the comfort of “knowing” that they do.

I may have been born with the “Hypersensitivity to Rejection/criticism” which then spirals all this other stuff on the list out of control.  I know when I was younger though I was always very open and trusting  of others.  Sometimes I think I still am, but for any “close” relationships there is always this underlying distrust that they will eventually not care for me, and/or I will eventually disappoint them in some way.

I feel so torn because there is a part of me that craves social interaction, but I’m now so distrustful of others that I’m practically agoraphobic if I attempt to go out without either one of the kids or Patrick.  When I have to go out alone somewhere I am totally having to psych myself up for it. I can go to the bank now no problem and KOP meetings since I feel like there are “Safe” faces there, but I am not able to go as far as to think they care about me or would look out for me. It’s really difficult to get out of the house, but once I’m there I’m pretty much fine. I honestly don’t know how I would cope if something were to go terribly wrong though.

I honestly feel I am way better friend to others by staying out of their lives and that if people really wanted me in their lives they wouldn’t let me just hide. I can see how totally unfair that is to think that way about others, but it’s the way my thoughts work.

According to this article they aren’t sure exactly what causes this disorder, but I think it’s just life, and never really learning how to deal with criticism, bullying and negativity in a healthy way. I don’t know.

One bright side now though is by reading these articles that sort of define what’s going on with me helps me realize that there must be many other people that have felt this way too. I’m not alone, and I need to do what needs to be done to get better.  I think a big turning point for me was Timothy coming home for “Mother’s Day”, I don’t think he started out coming down here for that reason, but heck he rode all the way down to Edmonds and got here and it all just made me feel “Worth It!” that I am loved and appreciated and crazy for thinking anything else.

Some days are easier then others to believe the “good stuff”. I guess this is where choice comes in, I need to do whatever it takes to CHOOSE the good stuff every time, not just after something profound happens that is undeniable.

I am loved, and worth being loved. I wish I knew why it was so hard to believe that statement!!!!!!! It’s so easy to believe the negative stuff.

Goodnight Moon, it was good talking to you, I’m not sure if I should be hoping to talk with you more often or not. haha Anyway, good stuff can go in this dialogue to you not just the crap I suppose.

Thank you for always listening Moon. Haha

Sharolyn

The Scale doesn’t show my worth, just my weight.

398244_10151133666319385_1533565739_nDear Moon,

I saw this graphic posted on facebook about how the scale only gives you a number to reflect your relationship with gravity. “That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love.” I read it and thought how much I wish this were more of what I’d heard growing up then all the harsh critiquing that I did.  It’s really hard now as an adult to wrap my head around my weight not being connected to my self worth. I didn’t even really realize how connected my worth was to my weight until these feelings were completely contradicted by my Husband & Children who totally show they love me no matter how much weight I have on my body. It’s more about wanting me to be healthy for them which I totally get. I want to be around for a long time and I don’t want to be hurting from weight related issues.

So anyway, I have tried over and over again to separate my weight and my worth, but when it’s ingrained in me so deep that I am “not worth being loved” because I’m fat and weigh TOO much that it’s just hard to WANT to be thin because I’m not worth it. Also another thought that goes on in my mind is “What if I do loose weight and am thinner and I’m still not enough?”  Maybe that was because I realized that the people that I wanted to be “Enough” for should have loved me no matter what and if they didn’t it was their problem, not mine? Maybe there was a part of me that was just angry that I was treated so meanly that I wouldn’t loose weight because it would make “Them happy” and I didn’t want them happy? Or maybe that they would think I lost weight because of their bullying? I don’t know…It’s all just “Crazy”…

Irrational thoughts seem to come to mind so easily and the negative is always way more easy to believe then the positive. If I have done one good thing in this world it would be that my kids know that I love them no matter what and that I’m proud of them.

Well, anyway Moon I just wanted to get some emotional junk out there and hopefully someday it will be easier for me to separate my worth and my weight. Actually It is already since I have such a supportive husband and kids.

I hope you’re having sweet dreams Moon. (Haha)

I’ll sleep when I’m dead…

Dear Moon, 

CaptureI guess I’ll sleep when I’m dead which will probably be sooner then later?  I know I don’t always eat well, and I need to have more activity, but THIS! This is my biggest issue with my weight I think. It causes my stress level to increase and cortisol which adds to belly fat from what I’ve read. Basically it’s not healthy to not get enough sleep, also I think it contributes to my mood being down and my energy level to want to be active. 

Somewhere over the years I acquired this “ANXIETY” about going to bed, I have to be literally exhausted to get myself to get in bed and sleep. Just thinking about going to bed at 9:30pm makes me feel uneasy and I don’t understand why. None of the reasons I used to stay awake at night apply anymore.  The kids aren’t little and waking me up in the middle night (Clarissa was doing this until about 10yrs), Patrick is no longer going out to Sea, and there are no longer drug deals going on in the ally out in front of my home and creepy people living down the street. We have a fence and security system. We moved our bedroom from downstairs to upstairs and I thought that would help since it seemed like the room wouldn’t have the negative memories attached to it, but it hasn’t.

I can remember when I LOVED sleep, I would go get in bed because it was so comfortable and I could sleep for like 12hrs if I wanted to, but that was before kids. Also, when Patrick was out to Sea I’d go to bed and miss him and cry and be ANGRY for him being gone so much. He’d come home and I’d be sick with a cold or something and sleep but it was more like my body  had permission to sleep because he was home. I don’t know. There isn’t any problem like that anymore.

There is absolutely no reason I couldn’t go to bed at 9:30pm every night!!!  I just feel like I’d be missing something I guess, or that we aren’t safe and I need to be “On Guard”, I don’t know!!   It’s habit partially I guess. I’m glad I’ve been remembering to keep track of it thanks to the FitBit. I’ve tried fixing my sleep before, but something always happens to drag it back out again. 2am – 4am seems to be my bedtime and it’s just not healthy especially if I have to be up early for some reason.

Anyway, i’m going to work on moving my bedtime closer to the 9:30pm mark. Midnight will be my first goal. 😛

Stressed & Excited…

556322_577231372341476_958354705_nHello Moon!,

It’s been awhile since I posted which I figure is a good thing.  I’m not really down or being too “thoughtful”, just stressed and worried and excited all at the same time!!  At the moment I’m waiting for Paavo to be done with surgery. I should get a call soon I hope. They said he’d go in at 9:30pm. He had a lump on his chest that got sore, we hadn’t ever noticed it until it got all scabbed over a week ago. We watched it then it started seeming to be larger, and then we thought we better do some warm compresses and hydrogen peroxide since he’d come in from being outside and had dirt in it. He’s such a lower rider. 😛  We leave soon for a week to California and just didn’t feel it could go any longer so I was able to get him into the vet and she said the cleanest, least amount of upkeep way to take care of it would be to just remove the lump completely, and when we started discussing his behavior I told her he wasn’t fixed yet and she said. “OH! i can do that quick too.” So, he’s in have three lumps removed. 😛  I’m nervous for him. I hope she is right and everything goes well and he’ll be mostly on the mend by the time we leave. We have a wonderful guy coming to house/dog/cat sit for us so I know Paavo will be in good hands. Anyway, Just stressed me out all day, well except for the hour Patrick & I were at Massage Envy getting a massage. 😛 hehe

I’m so excited to see my Mom & (Step) Dad, Sister, Brother, Rochelle &  meet my niece Addison!  Sooo many other family that won’t be there that I wish could be but can’t. It’s been so long since I’ve seem many of my family members. Anyway, I’m just excited, but I’m also kind of sad because I know I’ll miss them more after we have to say good bye. It’s crazy the way my mind works sometimes!! So, I’m determined to just be excited, have fun and enjoy my family.

Also Patrick’s birthday is Saturday and we’ll be taking the kids to Disneyland for his birthday for three days. I’ve never seen California Adventure so really looking forward to that!

Goodnight Moon